oystersnout

I'm Still Alive!

2006-02-25T10:45:00.000-08:00

sorry, my friends, frequent readers, and those who have stopped by from a link just to find that i haven't posted in a while.

i apologize. i just haven't been in the mood to blog.

i started this blog half-cocked, ready to go to blog war with my Capitan, without even knowing of the hardships, grueling posting schedules, and raw talent necessary to win the war, let alone get to the top of the blogging world.

we won the war. had fun, defeated the likeable limey.

i had a few more months of fun as a large mammal mostly from links from my blogdad.

and my attempts at headline news funny!

well, since the glory days, my life has been mostly work, which keeps getting busier in this little tourist town, and trying to have a life, which is tough to do in a tourist town.

*sigh*

i guess i have become a pimp to my poor little town, since the SF Chronical called the restaurant that i work for to get the instructions to make our award winning crabcakes. they had the recipe, they couldn't make it work right.

i told them how to do it, they put a pretty picture in the paper , i still have no credit.

bah!

hmmm...i seem to be getting the pissed off thing going again...

see you all soon!

State of Emergency!

2006-01-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

wow! we've had some bad weather here for the past week...

bad enough that Governor Arnold declared a State of Emergency for several counties, including the one i live in. here in my little town, we've had some partial blackouts, but the most inconveniencing thing is that all the roads in and out of town were closed for the last 3 days.

not a big deal for folks in hurricane territory, or other parts of this great country of ours that suffer regularly from the ravages of Mother Nature, but for us sheltered Northern Californians, floods are an event.

i went shopping for dinner tonight at our local supermarket, produce section almost empty. trucks couldn't get through the flooded roads until late tonight to deliver fresh produce, so we had to make do with picked-over produce for 2 whole days!

/sarcasm.

we had a lot of inconveniences, and a few evacuations for residents living close to rivers and large creeks, but i have never lived in a State of Emergency before.

my cable connection is acting up now. i must post soon!

see you soon, i hope!

Christmas Is Finally Over!

2005-12-26T20:50:00.000-08:00

and, not a moment too soon!

don't take that wrong, please. i love Christmastime, i like spending holidays with family and friends, good food, good cheer, and all that.

i hate the commercialization and hype by retailers and marketers, and the stupid protesting by people that don't observe Christmas and are too intolerant of others that think differently than them, and try to censor them rather than accepting their views.

if i had any power, i would propose a law that would forbid retailers from displaying Christmas goods any time before the day after Thanksgiving. kinda like it used to be here in my little town when i was a kid. now, some stores had Christmas decorations and other Christmas themed stuff for sale well before Halloween.

that's just wrong, in my opinion. the holiday is supposed to celebrate the day that The Almighty graced mankind with the gift of His only Son, not iPods and X-boxes and all that other stuff. the only "must have" gifts should be love, kindness and charity. anything more is just a bonus.

however, since Christmas is now permanantly associated with gifts, i guess i'll get off the high-horse and tell you all what i got...

the only thing i specifically asked for (under pressure from Ma, so she'd have a clue as to what i wanted) was the Magic Bullet. being an insomniac, i watch lots of late late night tv, and after having seen the infomercial for this food processor/blender about 100 times, i decided i wanted one. i've only used it to juice a couple of apples and a banana so far, but it seems to work well at least for that. also in the food theme was a Chia Herb Garden, and a big basket of goodies from my favorite local specialty foods store, Cooking Up Ideas. they'll ship anywhere in the country, for extra charge, of course.

i also got several books, most notably this one. i'll start in on it soon!

but, the absolute best gift i received this Christmas was from my baby niece, who will be 2 years old in February. it's a t-shirt that reads "World's Coolest Uncle". i know i'll be wearing it a lot in years to come.

well, that's all for now. hope your Christmas was as good as mine!

let me know what your favorite gift was in the comments.

thanks!

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-25T01:39:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all, and also Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa.

everyone just have a good ol' time today!

thanks!

Headlines 12-18-05

2005-12-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

Sharon in hospital after suffering stroke

Ozzy stoned, but confident of wife's recovery

New Orleans trollies return

New Orleans trollops aboard them

Plutonium-Powered Pluto Probe Put On Pad

Disney Dog's Derriere Definitely Distraught

How to explain a mini-planet's odd orbit?

Michael Moore De-mystified?

Jessica Simpson Files for Divorce

Who F@#$%&g Cares?

Oddball object circles sun beyond Neptune

Known here in CA as Oakland's mayor, Jerry Brown

Microsoft warns of ‘critical’ flaw

Calls it 'Windows'

1 in 20 Americans Is Not Literate, a National Survey Suggests

Number Soars To 19 in 20, if Teens Using Instant Messenger are Included in Survey

Nomar agrees to deal with Dodgers

Denies that deal was signed in blood at a crossroads...oh, Dodgers, not Devil?...that's even worse!!!

Disclaimer: Although San Francisco Giants fans all agree that the Dodgers are the embodiment of all that is evil, the Devil still officially holds that title

Japanese Get Fat Penguins to Exercise

Gee, That Explains Why Japan Has the Lowest Worldwide Rate of Obese Penguins...

Chicago bar serves up 950 dollar cocktail

This is the interactive part...you make the joke in the comment section!

as always, keep it reasonably clean, there are young eyes that might see this blog.

thanks for reading, see ya soon!

A Little Christmas Funny

2005-12-18T22:38:00.000-08:00

my boss forwarded this to me, 'cause he knows how much it is pissing me off that a small (but very vocal) bunch of pagan Liberals are trying to take away Christmas and replace it with a 'holiday season' that doesn't 'offend' them.

hope you like it!

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the Chief shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for Chester House! The Chief will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own
table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, yes, this is allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr**ks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including
organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,The B**** from H***!!!!!!!!

******************************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Head of HR
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays

200th post!

2005-12-17T01:52:00.000-08:00

and 6 months of not smoking!!!

WOO-HOO!

Headlines, maybe?

2005-12-15T02:13:00.000-08:00

Abat: 'Revolutionary govt' walang nilabag na batas

Witch Doctor: ooo eee oo ah ah bing bang walla walla bing bang

U.N. Report Focuses on 'Invisible Children'

U.N. forces focus on children they can 'see', then violate them.

Napa' faster, more popular than 'Sonoma' < Intel"

Intel Execs get drunk at holiday party, discuss California wine

Mountain tops nominees

Nominees want reach-around

bad headline policy never went away, by the way...

High gas prices alter driving habits

Some Hillbillies now choose to buy possums rather than hitting their own

14-Day Plan Improves Memory

Dang, forgot the link to the punchline...

Virgin astronauts to blast off from New Mexico

ummmm...insert your own funny here!

as always, keep it reasonably clean, and the key word is FUNNY!

thanks, and visit again soon, before i am a flappy bird or something lower!

thats all for now.

Yay! Im a Rodent!

2005-12-10T02:05:00.000-08:00

after being a Large Mammal, most bloggers would be insulted by the de-evolution.

after having not posted for a while, ok, a eternity for most folks in this era of instant gratification, i am still an adorable rodent!

that's alright by me, and i hope to get back to bigger and better animal rankings soon!

Merry Christmas, and Happy Chanukah to all!

that's all for now!

I Ain't Dead, Just Seems Like It

2005-11-27T02:46:00.000-08:00

sorry for not posting for a month or so, just haven't been in the mood for blogging.

hope that changes soon.

and, i hope y'all had a good Halloween, Veteran's Day, and Thanksgiving. i did!

see ya soon!

19 Weeks!

2005-10-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

yup, 4 months, 3 weeks without a smoke. and, down to only 5 or so urges per day. much better than 30 or 40.

no luck losing weight so far. haven't gained any more, so i suppose that's a small victory in itself. working in a restaurant, and having a fondness for almost any cured and smoked pork product, and sausage can be a problem when trying to slim down.

especially when we make our own smoked bacon, ham, and many different types of sausage, all better than the store bought stuff. way better. way too hard to resist...

and then today, i take a trip out of my small town. not a long trip, but just over the coastal range to a town that has a Wal-Mart and a Burger King. here in my town, Burger King bailed out years ago, and the only fast-food joint we have is McDonalds. i hate McD's, so i rarely eat burgers. i walk into Burger King, only to see that they are now offering the Triple Whopper with Cheese. like the Double Whopper wasn't big enough.

oh well, i can always start trying to eat healthier tomorrow. at least i didn't hit the Jack In The Box on my way home....a Triple Whopper with Cheese is mighty filling.

i know a person that lost quite a bit of weight by going vegetarian. so, i tried a couple of meat substitutes that are considerably less fatty than real sausage. if they are all as bad as Tofurky, the hippies can keep all that crap. i may try a few others just to keep an open mind, but i'm not expecting anything to come even close to a proper meat texture, let alone flavor.

guess i gotta bite the bullet and eat the dang boneless skinless chicken and force down the broccoli if i want to get below 200 lbs...

well that's enough complaining for now!

thanks for stopping by.

16 Weeks!

2005-10-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

16 weeks.

4 months.

so, tonight, i celebrated by having a smoke.

a mighty smoky, hickory grilled 20 oz ribeye steak, that is! and, unfortunately, most likely the last one of those for a while.

you see, my friends and loyal readers, i am suffering from the one and only downside of quitting smoking...since food tastes so much better now (and, i have never been too shy of stepping up to the dinner-plate anyway) i have put on a few pounds.

ok, more like 20 or 25..or so.

i didn't really realize it till i broke two office chairs in so many weeks. sure, they were Wal-Mart cheapies, but i've never broken any chair before, and it isn't much of a self-esteem booster!

so, slash the red meat consumption, lay off the baked potatoes with lots of cheese and sour cream, heck, gotta cut out most of my cheese consumption, and that sucks.

i really, really like cheese.

i know, some might say "try the Atkin's diet! you can eat all the cheese you want!", but having had some basic training to be a nutritionist while in chef school, i know that diet can not be healthy...i believe more in modifying eating habits and getting more exercise.

no pizza...major bummer!

no bacon, salami, kielbasa, braunschweiger, or pepperoni, either....

i see lots of skinless chicken breasts and salads and *gasp* vegetables in my near future. don't get me wrong, i have nothing against vegetables. vegetables nourish cows and other animals, which then go on to become real food. i like them mostly if they are in the form of lettuce, onion and tomato on top of a hamburger, or cabbage in kimchi. any other veggies, however, i view with a very skeptical eye...

oh well, i guess i gotta get used to them, cause i'll be eating a lot more of them. without the benefit of cheese sauce....

grrr....

well, that's all for now!

15 Weeks Without a Smoke...(as of Tuesday!)

2005-09-29T01:53:00.000-07:00

and it still isn't easy. for those of you that have never been addicted to something for 25 years, you just can't understand.

the poison has been out of my system for almost 2 months now. but, at least a dozen times a day, i keep getting nicotine fits. bad ones. first one is always when i wake up...in days gone by i would be fumbling for the pack and the lighter, now, i know that it only lasts about 30 seconds to 1 minute. i can last that long. i keep telling myself that, and it still works!

best part, though, is when i stop by my favorite watering hole after work, and see everyone running outside to smoke (CA, y'know!) and not feel the need to follow them.

well, i'm proud of myself.

thanks for visiting!

Hmmm...Maybe I Live In CA For A Reason...

2005-09-24T02:43:00.000-07:00

here, we get an earthquake now and then, a drought on a fairly regular basis, and always an infestation of hippies, surfers, and tourists.

but, no hurricanes, or tornados, i guess that's worth something!

here in CA, were already used to paying the most money for gas compared to the rest of the nation, so the rise in fuel prices due to Katrina and Rita won't make Californians give up their imported gas-guzzling SUV's, the Californians will just continue to bitch about how President Bush and all Republicans created global warming and thusly caused the hurricanes that are now making gas prices higher.

Hmmmm...maybe the title of this post should have been "Hmmm...Maybe I Should Get The @%$& Out of California, and into a Red state"...

as long as it's a hurricane, tornado, and blizzard free area, i might think about it!

pray for the gulf coast, once again!

thanks!

14 Weeks!

2005-09-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

yup, 3 and 1/2 months without a smoke.

i was going to celebrate with a headline post, but my cable is not working right now, and my dial-up is mighty slow...

i'll try it again tomorrow after work.

thanks!

More News! 9-17-05

2005-09-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Iranian president: No 'nuclear apartheid'

Black atoms tired of riding in the back of bus

California Republicans rally around Schwarzenegger

All five of us still support him

Sharon, Abbas to meet early October

Ozzy plans to stay home, claims members of Swedish pop band are too wimpy to handle the Prince of Bleeping Darkness' presence

Oil prices fall on weak demand

Weak demand is pinned, oil prices win match

More strong Katrina-like hurricanes reported

Sadly, Bush will be blamed

Google Goes in Search of Blogs

Hopefully my blog can still be found!

Supermodel 'admits cocaine use'

Oh, so THAT'S how they stay so skinny...I thought it was all about purging....

well, on that note, i will end headlines...

hope i made you laugh!

thanks, and come back soon!

Back, By Popular Demand....Headline News!

2005-09-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

Judge: No pledge in schools

Janitors forced to use other brands of furniture polish

Weiner concedes race, urges unity

Kielbasa, Italian sausage stilll in race, and continue mudslinging

Nintendo unveils simpler game controller

Now children with only one thumb won't feel inferior

This week in Microsoft

More shoddy, bug-filled software was created

Paris Hilton and the Supreme Court

Video expected to be released on Internet in next few hours

New Zealanders Go to Polls in Election

After Going to Sheep-Shearing Barns, Pubs, Grocery Stores, Libraries, New Zealanders Finally Figure it Out

Mice carrying plague missing from N.J. lab

CDC says "Eh, it's just New Jersey..."

Schwarzenegger confirms reelection run

Says "I Shall Return"

heh....i bet you thought i'd say "I'll Be Back.."

no, that line is mine!

I'll Be Back!

thanks!

I've Been a Bad Blogger

2005-09-16T03:21:00.000-07:00

and i apologize to all of my loyal readers that have stuck with me so far.

i started this blog in March, which is one of the slowest times of the year in my line of work. i have had a lot of fun bringing you all my version of the news, a few of my favorite photos, and a war post or two back in the day, but i found that in the summer, my busy time of the year, plus quitting smoking, i had less and less time to focus on blogging.

my bad. i should have thought about that before i started the dang thing!

i didn't think i'd be popular. i didn't think that anyone would care one way or another if i blogged.

but, i did! and now, i have Primates and other wonderful bloggers wondering when i'll be back.

soon!

that's all for now!

13 Weeks!

2005-09-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

i know i should have posted on the day, but it was the 13th week mark..might have been bad luck...

nah. i'm over that evil weed. even when i do have an urge to smoke, i can now write it off as a leftover of the habit, and not something i need to be too worried about. nicotine fits last about 30 seconds. i think i can last longer than that!

thanks again everyone that has been following my sporadic postings on my ordeal of quitting smoking, with occasional headline posts...lol! when work slows down, i hope to be back to entertaining you, my loyal readers.

until then, Go Niners!

that's all for now!

12 Weeks!

2005-09-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

yup, 12 weeks without a smoke. i am mighty proud of myself.

also, i'm happy that tourist season is over! finally!

hope you all had a happy Labor Day!

that's all for now.

thanks!

Dang, I'm Tired...

2005-09-03T00:17:00.000-07:00

this is the busiest time of the year for the restaurant biz.

and, for those in the service industry, Labor Day has a different meaning. you labor your pinkytoe off serving all the folks that are in town due to the three day weekend, then get set for the next round of tourists...

oh well, winter is coming soon, things slow down a little then...

have a happy Labor Day weekend!

if you are not already...

2005-08-29T02:02:00.000-07:00

Pray for New Orleans.

thanks, that is all.

Headlines! 8-28-05

2005-08-28T19:44:00.000-07:00

Coffee 'better than veg'

I'm sure that somebody is happy to hear the news....

Sharon son indicted in corruption probe

Jack bribed to slip extra drugs to Ozzy

Few want to bite the bullet

Broken teeth, lead poisoning most popular deterrents

Martha Stewart, Unchained

Five Months Wasn't Long Enough

California attorney general wants warning label on fries, chips

Majority of rest of country wants warning labels on Democrats

Conn. Girl Fights for Grissom's Space Suit

Former Giants Outfielder Marquis Doesn't Recall Owning Space Suit

China hunts for 13 runaway crocodiles

Also practices saying "Crikey!" with proper Australian accent

No Sign of Legendary Cat in Monitor Cannon

In Related News, Cat Bones Found in Merrimac

Iowa Man Walks Off Without Paying for Leg

Says They Were Charging an Arm For It

New Process May Lead to Mad Cow Diagnosis

Is Known For Now as "O'Donnell Test"

well, folks, on that note i shall end tonight's headlines.

thank you for stopping by!

Headlines? Twice In A Week?

2005-08-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

A question that deserves to be answered

Why is Michael Jackson not in prison?

Judge orders convicted sniper forcibly fed

110 or so grains of lead would be a good starting diet...

Major Blackouts In Southern Calif.

Drew Barrymore Says "So What's New?"

California vs. the drugmakers

Dude...can't we just all get along?

Recordings of Rare Woodpecker Presented

Woody regrets getting drunk in kareoke bar

Royal flush

Well, the Queen is human, y'know....

Children Under 2 Won't Need Plane Tickets

Good Thing, Since Most Toddlers Have No Credit Cards To Purchase Tickets With

Earth's Core Spinning Faster Than Crust

Halliburton Blamed

Scientists Try to Harness Wave Energy

Drunken Sports Fans Refuse to do The Wave On Demand

Weather Forecasting Getting More Complex

But, No More Accurate Than Before

that's tonight's installment of headlines! hope you enjoyed 'em!

if you did, or didn't, haloscan provides a free forum for you to discuss my sense of humor, or lack thereof.

please use it! it's free!

thanks.

Now, I Take My Life Back

2005-08-25T00:56:00.000-07:00

i avoided taking road trips while i was quitting smoking, since driving anywhere more than a mile was a big trigger to light up. driving 100 miles round trip to the nearest Wal-mart was at least 1/2 pack of smokes.

oh yeah...if you're new to this blog, i live in the sticks.

i avoided blogging while i was quitting smoking, 'cause surfing the web was also a big smoking trigger. click to next site, light next cigarette...even if i had one burning already, sometimes.

surfing the net looking for news stories to make jokes about was the basis for my blog, if you are a new visitor.

so, i must face the demon head on. if i have to give up what i enjoy just to avoid a nicotine fit, then i haven't really beaten nicotine, i've just run from it.

and, i am not French.

i made the 100 mile round trip to the nearest Wal-Mart Tuesday, just to do it.

needed new shoes too, but that wasn't important.

did Headlines that night as well. i hope they were funny, nobody has left a comment to let me know one way or the other.

basil, as always, caught the fact that i had posted for the first time in 2 weeks, and linked me to his blog.

once again, thanks, blogdad!

triggers, shmiggers...im a recovered smoker now, and will soon be back to reclaiming my title of king of bad puns. dont know who has it now, but watch out!

thanks, y'all!

Could It Be?.... Headlines!

2005-08-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

Florida State Can Keep Its Seminoles

Native Amercans Lose Bid For Freedom

CU falls off list of party schools

Got really, really drunk

Scarlett crashes car eluding paparazzi

Rhett still doesn't give a damn

Rolling Stones ‘start it up’ with a bang

Faulty defibrillator explodes

Watch Dr Who on your phone

Something else to do while you're driving

It’s official, Brad and Jen are divorced

Who F@#%&*g Cares?

Fetus May Not Feel Pain Until Third Trimester, Study Finds

Study Still Not Sure, As Fetus Was Unable To Say "Ow"

Forensic astronomers date famous photograph

Forensic astronomers are very, very lonely

Fires, floods leave trail of death and destruction in Europe

Bush Blamed

Floods cause chaos in southern Germany

Trains were 2 minutes late

Turkmen President Bans Lip Synching

Milli and Vanilli Lobby Congress to Declare War on Turkmenistan

Electric Company Worker Has Ear Bitten Off

In Other News, Retired Boxer Mike Tyson Finds Job With Utility Company

ok, that's all i can come up with for now. my funny bone is out of shape due to lack of use lately.

hope that changes soon.

only had 2 urges to smoke while writing this post...progress is being made!

thanks, y'all!

10 Weeks!!!!

2005-08-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

well, it's been 10 weeks now, 2 without the patch on. didn't think that last little 3rd step patch had much nicotine in it, but boy howdy...what a difference it made without it for the first week!

still a little tough, just have to grit my teeth and bear with it till the urge goes away. i know it's supposed to get easier, but dang it! hurry up and get easier, already! i'm still having dreams that i was smoking, and wake up feeling like i cheated until i realize that it was only a dream. i really hate when that happens.

summer is almost over, and i couldn't be happier. the tourist invasion dies down a little after Labor Day weekend. this year has been the busiest yet for the restaurant where i work, and if you didn't know already, restaurant work is one of the most stressful occupations in the U.S., throw nicotine withdrawl and insomnia into the mix and i've been feeling like a wrung-out dishrag lately.

not to mention that baseball season has been a bit depressing for Giants fans this year.

so, dear readers, i'm not dead, like anyone could tell by the frequency of my posting lately. just tired, stressed, and looking forward to a little quiet time.

thanks for sticking with me, all that have!

that's all for now.

8 Weeks!

2005-08-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

today marks 2 months since i smoked my last cigarette. it also marks my first day without the patch.

today, i am nicotine free. and hope to stay this way.

it hasn't been easy, but i know it will be worth the discomfort in the long run.i have already lost my smoker's hack, and my senses of smell and taste have noticeably improved....

i'll feel a lot more confident once i make it to the 6 month mark. not like that's some magic number or anything, but i think if i make it that far i won't be likely to start again.

at least i hope not.

well, that's all for now!

thanks.

7 Weeks!

2005-08-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

well, actually the seven week mark will be tomorrow, but i won't be near a computer.

i will, however, be celebrating the occasion with a trip to SBC Park, home of the San Francisco Giants.

my little bro got tickets for his birthday, and since we've been to about a dozen, maybe more games together in PacBell, now SBC Park, the Giants haven't lost once when we're there, i was the natural choice to be the lucky recipient of the other ticket.

hope our winning streak holds up!

that's all for now.

thanks!

6 Weeks!

2005-07-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

the 6 week milestone was Tuesday.

also the day that i put on the third step patch.

little, teeny tiny, not much nicotine in it third step patch... i went and spent the day with the extended family (none of whom smoke) and tried to not think about it.

didn't work. i thought about a cigarette quite a few times, then i remembered how easy it was on the second day of the step two patch. that helped a lot.

then, work was so busy the last couple of nights that i was reduced to a quivering mass of nerves by the time i clocked out, but i remained cigarette free.

and plan to remain this way!

cigarette free, not the nervous thing...heh....

well, that's all for now...thanks for stopping by!

5 Weeks!

2005-07-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

yes, 5 weeks without a smoke. five long, long weeks, learning how to be a non-smoker again.

there's been some easy times, there's been some not-so-easy times, but time keeps passing, as it is known to do.

i'm just looking forward to the time when i can honestly say "gee, i can't remember exactly how many days it's been since i smoked..."

it is getting easier, for the most part. i even felt good enough about controlling my smoking urges to do a few headlines!

well, that's it for now...hope to be posting more often here soon!

thanks for stopping by.

Yay! I'm Still A Mammal!

2005-07-17T04:08:00.000-07:00

'nuff said.

thanks again, to everyone that hasn't delinked me due to my lack of posting.

that is all.

I Think I Might Be Beating The Cigs..

2005-07-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

the first day on the smaller patch was kinda rough...but the next day, no prob. now i'm not dreading the first day of the third step as much...i think i have the smoking part of the deal kicked, now to wean off the poison itself.

this patch system is pretty cool, i can even sit in the only smoking bar in town (and maybe in all Northern California), and not want to smoke.

or if i do, i can tell myself i don't, and i'm able to listen to myself and not want to smoke.

and, in other good news, the computer itself is becoming less of a smoking trigger for me. where i used to smoke like a chimney while looking for funny headlines to parody, sometimes lighting up a fresh one without even noticing i had half of one burning in the ashtray already, i can now sit down in front of it and read email, surf, play a video game, etc. and not be constantly reaching for the pack and lighter just to find that they aren't there.

just occasionally...hey! progress is progress! i smoked for many years, and i know that quitting isn't fast or easy...junkies and alcoholics are always "recovering" when they aren't using, and i think that smoking is the same.

you're never cured, just in recovery. the only true non-smoker is the one that never lit up one of the f&#*ing things in the first place.

well, thanks again for the support that you, my loyal readers and friends, have given me. i won't let you down!

that's all for now!

4 Weeks!

2005-07-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

well, folks, i've made it past the 1 month stage, and am now on the second-step patch.

1/3 less nicotine than the first step. and i can feel it.

i knew this wasn't going to be easy, but i bet it's a damn sight easier than dying in an iron lung, or wasting away from radiation and chemotherapy....

that's what i keep telling myself, anyway.

in better news, i got a new (to me) car! yes, even though i love my little beat-up, ugly as sin but faithful little pickup truck, when my parents bought a new SUV, and offered me their very-well taken care of 93 Ford Taurus for 1 dollar, i just couldn't say no. i hope i won't have to junk the truck, even though i know nobody in their right mind would buy it for anything other than a parts car (has a great alternator!), i'd like to see it do somebody some good.

a co-worker suggested talking to the local high school Auto Shop teacher, see if i could donate it as a project vehicle. that truck would keep kids learning all year long....heh!

or maybe to one of those charities that ends up selling it for salvage, but makes some money to help folks who need it.

if anybody has a suggestion for charities that accept vehicles, let me know!

thanks, and thanks for sticking with me during these rough times.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

2005-07-07T02:26:00.000-07:00

explosions in the Underground, and in a bus in London....

pray for Sortapunditland.

thanks.

3 Weeks!!!!

2005-07-05T19:54:00.000-07:00

21 days....and i feel great, despite the nasty little summer cold i've had for the last day or two...

i've noticed that i have been salting food a bit less lately, and the salsa that i thought just a month ago was ok but a little wimpy now has a bite to it.

the urges are still getting me. sometimes mild, sometimes harsh, but not quite the climbing the walls, kill-someone-for-their-last-smoke type of cravings i have had in my previous attempts to quit cold turkey. i just deal with them if i can't avoid them, and they always go away...for a little while...

i know i'll have occasional cravings for years to come, i just hope that i'll be able to deal with them after i get off the patch.

i guess i'll find out then.

thanks, everyone, for your continuing support!

Happy F@#$%&g 2nd of July!

2005-07-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

i bet you're wondering what that title is all about. well, i'll tell you.

my little town here in Northern California once was a proud town, with a strong local economy based on logging and fishing, as were many other towns in Northern California. were it not for logging and fishing, the area would be wilderness still...

but, the environmentalists killed the logging, the government (with the help of overzealous fishermen) killed the fishing, and now we are reduced to kissing tourist pinkytoe for a buck to survive.

at one time, my little town had a fireworks display on the 4th of July. that was when we had our pride.

now, the fireworks are on the Saturday of the 4th of July weekend, regardless of the actual national holiday, as an additional draw for the tourists. heh... i accidentally hit the shift key as i was typing "4th" and it actually made it more accurate... we have our fireworks display on the $th of July here in my little tourist-whoring town.

if i lived in a Republican town, this would never happen... but the irony of that statement is, that the hippie artist community a few miles to the south has a parade every year, on the actual fourth, no matter what day of the week it falls on...

so, on Monday, yours truly will put on his rattiest tie-dye, and his stars-and-stripes chef pants, and head south for a true celebration of Independence Day.

i might be celebrating it with a bunch of hippies, but at least they aren't whores.

peace out.

Two Weeks!

2005-06-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

yes, folks, it's been two whole weeks since i have smoked. i thank everyone for their support, all the kind words, encouragement, and patience for my not posting much lately.

even now, after 14 days, i find myself reaching for the pack and lighter when i sit down in front of the computer, but the urges to light up have been growing weaker on a daily basis.

i've noticed a decrease in coughing attacks, and an increase in energy, not to mention the fact that food is a bit more flavorful lately.

and, i don't stink like a dirty ashtray any more.

so, i have 14 more days on the step 1 patch, 14 on step 2, and 14 on step 3 until i'm done with nicotine.

good riddance to bad poison!

thanks again, y'all.

Headlines 6-28-05

2005-06-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

Bush says Iraq war worth it, cites bin Laden

Bin Laden tears up citation, claims Bush isn't a police officer

Sunnis feel full force of Lightning strike

The Almighty decides to put in His Opinion on Islam

Friend, Associates Remember John Walton

"Yep, John Boy Was A Mighty Good Feller"

Today at Wimbledon

A Bunch of Rich People Played Tennis

Voices of Piglet, Tigger Die in Same Week

Severe Laryngitis is Spreading Throughout the Hundred-Acre Woods

Viagra does not increase the risk of blindness says Pfizer

Unless you use it while alone

Cancer risk linked to radiation exposure -study

Study also finds that the Pope wears a funny hat

Most U.S. Doctors Religious, Survey Finds

Survey Also Finds That Most U.S. Doctors Pray That They Won't Be Sued For Malpractice

Sharon vows to stop 'wild behavior' of pullout foes

Right after she stops 'wild behavior' of Ozzy

AMD sues rival Intel over 'monopoly abuses'

AMD claims Intel always took the car, and made them be the dog or the shoe

Group selects France as site of experimental fusion reactor

Group says "Well, if the experiment goes bad, no big loss"

well, folks, that's the news for now. i apologize once again for not posting more often lately, but i have to get over this nasty habit.

for more headline humor, visit basil, Moe, Dane and The Capitalist's sites. they have some good stuff, too.

thanks!

Quitting Update 6-24-05

2005-06-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

the last few days have been tough, so i haven't been posting, or even in front of the computer much....gotta control the trigger situations, makes it a little easier.

but i haven't given in! ten days without a smoke!

and, i found a cool extension for Firefox, called Quitomzilla...just enter in the day, date, and hour that you quit, how many cigarettes you smoked, and how much the cost per pack, and it keeps track of smokes not smoked, money not spent on smoking, and time since you quit.

and, gives you the option to paste the info into emails, blog posts, etc with one click...like this:

I haven't smoked for 1 week, 3 days and 25 minutes, saving 250.43 cigarettes and $68.87 .

anyway, hope to be back to posting more frequently sometime soon!

thanks.

Headline News 6-21-05

2005-06-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

Bush to visit Vietnam

Kerry says "I served in Vietnam!"

Missing Utah Scout found alive

Earns 'Wilderness Survival' merit badge, fails 'Orienteering' badge requirements

Deadbeat Dad Shot In Seattle Courthouse

Single Moms Cheer

Krispy discharges executives

Krusty discharges phlegm

Microsoft researchers develop new file-sharing system

Don't realize that the only thing that can be legally shared any more is open-source software

Corgan wants to reseed Pumpkins

BitTorrent users are uninterested in downloading old, crappy music

Gene keeps mums fertile

And, his famous tongue keeps them happy

Infertility in Europe to double in 10 years

Let's hope France leads the league....

Global Commercial Whaling Ban Upheld

A Collective Sigh of Relief is Heard from Moore, O'Donnell, and Winfrey's Blowholes

well, that's all for now!

see y'all tomorrow!

Helping Out A Friend

2005-06-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

all the sauces that i've mentioned so far and will mention in the future (as i try them myself, that is) can be purchased here, or most may be ordered from their website, if one exists.

if you like to cook, or know somebody who does, please check out the huge line of products carried by this little gourmet store! and, as an added bonus, they'll ship nationwide! for a shipping and handling charge, of course.

many of the fine products are made right here in Northern California, and the herb and spice blends are from Penzey's Spice Co., not CA but very good nonetheless. i like the Bangkok blend, as well as the Jerk Chicken and the Jerk Pork blends.

and the selection of hot, hot, hot sauces is quite impressive.

if you order something, tell 'em moehawk sent ya!

that's all for now!

One Week!

2005-06-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

well, it's been a whole week smoke-free now.

must say, it's quite a bit easier than i thought it would be, i just have to recognize what my triggers are, like walking outside, sitting in front of the computer, driving, etc., and be prepared to deal with more urges to light up at those times.

and rub that patch extra hard in the hopes that it will get more nicotine into me!

hmmm....i think i'll celebrate with a big steak for dinner...

that's all for now!

Life Is Good

2005-06-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

ah, yes. a day off with the 4 "B's"...

Baseball, Beer, and Beef on the Barbecue....

life is indeed good!

must go flip steak...

that's all for now!

UPDATE

steak was perfect...still mooing, but not very much..

i used one of the sauces that i got for my birthday, the Hot Stroh Ranch Smoky Jalapeno Honey Sauce

moehawk says...mighty good. i recommend it.

now break out the credit cards, order a bunch of it, and support my little corner of the world!

thanks.

that is all!

Headline News 6-19-05

2005-06-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

North Korea's Kim says might give up missiles

Is trying to find Nuke-O-Derm patches to make it easier to quit

puns, Dane? i am the King of bad puns....heh!

European press review

European press is found to be just as anti-American as American press

Credit card holders exposed to fraud

As if high interest rates, huge late fees, overdraft charges and being in debt up to your pinkytoe weren't bad enough

Google to take on Paypal

Most people's money is on Paypal to win

Bottle attack on DiCaprio

Is excuse he gives for not showing up to work because he had a hangover

King Tut is back in the US to wow audiences

Martin's latest tour comes home

Now when he was a young man, he never thought he'd see
People stand in line to see the boy King
sorry if you have the song stuck in your head again....hee hee heeeee!

Another Quake Hits Off California Coast

moehawk considers moving to Nevada...nice, geologically stable Nevada....

Janet suffers humour bypass

Nowhere near as entertaining as her 'Wardrobe Malfunction'

Ochoa triumphs with birdie binge

Is later seen vomiting feathers, denies having triumph disorder

Herbie: Fully Loaded

Alternate Title: Cheech and Chong Meet The Love Bug

Sen. Robert C. Byrd Laments KKK Connection

Wishes Klan was still as powerful as it was in the 60's

Israel apologizes to U.S. over China arms sale

Uh, Sorry, dude, but we needed the shekels....and all we got was a bunch of lousy yuan....

yes, Moe, bad headline rule has been called by the ump....

Groups Gather for Human Sexuality Summit

PC Term For a Massive Orgy

Burners' Bummer

Dude, we're out of weed.

S.C. Officials Investigate Bird Deaths

All Residents of Columbia, S.C. Should Avoid "Chicken Sammiches" Unless You Trust Your Chef....

well, on that one, i'm out of here.

hope you all enjoyed my funny, and as always, let me know!

and for more headline humor, visit basil, Moe, Dane and The Capitalist's sites. they have some good stuff, too.

thanks!

Quitting Update 6-19-05

2005-06-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a little easier. it's usually not that rough during the day, and while i'm at work, but after work is a different story.

i stayed away from the computer, that helped a little, but it still took longer than usual to get to sleep. i watched the tube till about 4 am, went to sleep finally.

sometime during the night, my patch fell off. most likely a result of the tossing and turning...woke up dying for a smoke, found the patch, stuck it back on with duct tape.

felt a little better about half an hour later.

today was actually pretty easy, just a few cravings at the usual times, like whenever i walked out of a building, CA, y'know. can't smoke anywhere indoors here except your own house...

already duct-taped today's patch on. don't want to take any chances....

doing ok now, enough to do a few headlines, maybe more than a few, if i can find any funny ones....

that's all for now!

3 Months!

2005-06-18T01:27:00.000-07:00

yes, it's my 3 month blogoversary.

not as important as the 1 year mark, but still important in the fact that i'm no longer a 'new' blogger! i'm a grown-up now!

YAY!!!! WOO-HOO!!!!

that is all.

Quitting Update

2005-06-18T01:21:00.000-07:00

last night was rough. i was awake for most of it, tossing and turning and craving a smoke, and during the few bits of sleep i got, i dreamed of smoking. cigars, cigarettes, a pipe, everything.

it sucked.

work sucked even more, trying to be alert after maybe 3 hours of broken sleep...and in my job, i have lots of hot things and lots of sharp things to worry about...not to mention making the food taste good while trying not to injure myself.

good thing i'm an insomniac already, and am used to working with little to no sleep.

today seemed to be easier as far as the cravings went, hope tonight isn't a repeat of last night.

i'll find out soon.

Headlines 6-17-05

2005-06-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks to do 'Deep Throat'

Will find his old 'Bosom Buddies' wardrobe to look more like Linda Lovelace

Jackson plans lavish party to thank his supporters

Party is BYOB...Bring Your Own Boy

For a young child, home can be a dangerous place

Especially if it is Michael Jackson's home

At least 200 million Chinese to be obese in 10 years

That's because every time they eat, they're hungry again an hour later

New law requires airlines to disclose information on pet deaths

"Well, Ma'am, before your precious little Fido froze to death in the unpressurized cargo hold, he exploded, sending dog guts flying ten feet..."

St. Paul, Ace subpoenaed by prosecutors

Gene and Peter won't comment on Paul's self-beatification

Central America Is Holding Its Breath

Will Still Have To Eat Vegetables Before Getting Dessert

Calif. Scientists Plan to Kill Barred Owls

Loggers Paint Bars Onto Spotted Owls, Get Ready For a Big Timber Harvest Next Year

S.Africa opposes Japan's plan to expand whale hunt

Moore, O'Donnell also oppose Japanese plan

wel, folks, that's the news for tonight. for more headline humor, be sure to visit basil, Moe, Dane and The Capitalist's sites.

thanks!

Nicotine Starved Headlines 6-17-05

2005-06-17T02:16:00.000-07:00

Motown massacre

Smokey swears he's innocent

Iranians ready to choose a new president

Yes, we would still like for John Kerry to be the President of your bad-ass nation that has lots of weapons that we would not like to be pointed at us....

Police question hostage gunmen

"Dude, is that a real AK-74? Kewl! where'd you get that?"

Police fear molestation of hundreds of children

Jackson was Acquitted

Dell: show us the Apple love

i may be a computer enthusiast, but i don't want to see that. not even on PodCast....

Giants hammer Twins bullpen for win

Dude, i think that's actually two in a row for the 'Ants! no joke, the Giants are the joke....

yes, i am a Giants fan. therefore, i am entitled to piss and moan, bitch, whine, scream, or yell about how bad that the Giants have been doing, as long as i still root for them the next game.

GO GIANTS!

thanks, everyone, especially for putting up with my withdrawls.

see y'all manana!

Thanks For All The Support!

2005-06-17T01:50:00.000-07:00

in my effort to quit smoking, many of my fans have given their support.

unfortunately for all of us, i have the most urges to smoke while i'm sitting in front of my computer.

i thought about it today, while i was at work, and i realized that i smoked about 1/3 to 1/2 of my pack and a half per day while sitting in front of my computer at home.

well, it takes a bit of time to scour the world for news headlines worth making funny out of...

and, living in California, i can't smoke anywhere other than in my house in front of my f@#$%^g computer....couldn't, i meant...

so, if i blog lightly in the next few weeks, i hope you understand. it isn't because i don't like to entertain you by making up funny punchlines to badly written headlines. it isn't even because my little bro got me a cool new video game for my birthday and i'm too busy for blogging. i'll never be too busy to blog.

today was a rough one for the whole smoke-free thing. stressful night at work, but i think i'm over tonight's stress enough for the patch to keep doing it's job.

them nicotine fits only last about a half-minute, anyway...for now....

heh!...i'm stronger than that!

thanks again for the support!

I Picked The Wrong Day To Quit Smoking...6-14-05

2005-06-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tsunami Warning after California Quake

moehawk heads for high ground

but, as long as i have the post open, i might as well toss in a few more!

Jackson cleared, but scars remain

On the psyches of all his victims

Bowel Cancer Linked to Red and Processed Meat

Red and Processed Meat evolved to 'Large Mammal'

Tsunami watch canceled on West Coast

Whew! *goes to put rowboat back in garage*

Jet Airways to purchase aircraft

Guess you can't call your company something like "Jet Airways" until you buy a plane or two...

The fastest man ever

Was Jackson leaving courthouse, just in case they read the verdict wrong

Batman and Freud

I'll Wait For the Video Release...

well, that's the headlines for tonight, i apologize for the brevity.

i'm waiting for the aftershocks to start!

for more headline goodness, or occasionally badness, check out basil's, Moe's,, Dane's and The Capitalist's sites.

thanks!

moehawk Kicks Butts

2005-06-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

i was supposed to tell you all about the last gift from Mom.

she bought me the full 2 month nicotine patch system.

after years of smoking 1 to 1 1/2 packs of cigarettes a day, i'm ready to quit. or, at least i feel that i am.

i guess we'll all find out. at 1:45 pm today, i smoked my last American Spirit, crushed it out underfoot, and stuck the first patch on. seems to be working so far.

AAAAARRRRGH! SOMEONE GIVE ME A SMOKE!!!!!!!

just kidding. not too bad right now. seems i get a mild urge to light up about every ten minutes, goes away in about 30 seconds.

hope it stays this easy. somehow, i doubt it will.

i'll let everyone know!

thanks, that is all.

It's That Time Again...

2005-06-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

Saddam grilled over 1982 killings

1982 killings expected to give Saddam "a unique flavor, smoky with a hint of genocide"

Vatican flexes muscle in Italy

Men in Italian Gym give Vatican their phone numbers

Roger Waters Reunites with Pink Floyd for Live 8

Concert Promoter Manages to Convince Waters, Gilmore That It's Just a Flashback

Tyson can't beat Father Time

Or Any Prizefighters, Either

Destiny's Child Announces Split

Now Known As "Destiny's Formerly Conjoined Twins"

Obesity, smoking accelerate ageing

Now, if we could just get Moore and O'Donnell to light up, they might die of old age early...

Calcium, vitamin D combat premenstrual ills-study

In related news, thousands of women admitted to hospitals for choking after being force-fed vitamin-enriched whole milk by husbands

Umpire calls bad headline rule...

N.C. Surgeons Unwittingly Used Dirty Tools

Yet Another 'Make Up A Joke In The Comments' Headline...

Keep it relatively clean, please. Young eyes may be reading....

Italians stay at home for fertility referendum

Prefer to keep fertility matters in the bedroom

First impressions of the A380: an imposing beast

With seven heads, and ten horns...wait, i already used that one...

'Rocky' Earth-Like Planet Discovered

Stallone thrilled

No 'freedom' on MSN in China?
Microsoft cooperates with Beijing's censorship of forbidden words

Microsoft would like to censor words like 'open source', 'Linux' here in America

Nokia reaching out and touching Apple, other partners

Sexual Harrassment suit filed against Nokia

Growing Old Is Hard to Do

No, It Isn't. All You Have to Do is Wake Up Every Morning

well, on that note, just having had a birthday recently, i'll let you get on with your lives.

assuming that you have one, since you are reading my blog after all!

for more headline funny, please visit basil's, Moe's, and Dane's sites.

and, a new headline junkie, The Capitalist, has found his voice...

thanks, y'all!

My Birthday

2005-06-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

it was a good one, even though i had to work. i suppose i could have asked for the day off, but in a small restaurant like the one i work in, there is usually not a surplus of people to work a busy Saturday night, and i personally don't like to burden my co-workers with the extra stress of having one less person working the line than usual on any busy night. so, i worked.

before work, i had a nice lunch with my parents, grandma stopped by the restaurant on her way to work to say "Happy Birthday" and give me my present (two bags of different flavors of wood smoking-chips for my barbecue, and some much-needed socks).

Thanks Grandma!

from mom, three cool t-shirts, one tie-dye, one with a motorcycle and an American Flag, and one with a weber barbecue and the logo 'Grill Sergeant'...would be even funnier if i had military experience, but still funny. also, an assortment of spicy and garlic-y marinades and sauces from our local gourmet foodstuffs store. and, one more gift, but i'll tell you about that one tomorrow.

Thanks, Mom!

from my step-dad, a brand new remanufactured alternator for my beat-up, ugly but faithful little pickup truck. with a bit of help installing it...got that one a week early, right when i needed it...

Thanks, Harold!

from my boss, a six-pack of different chicken wing sauces from Wing-Time. i'm going to try the 'hot' one tonight, see if it lives up to the title. if not, there's the 'super hot' to try tomorrow...

Thanks, Boss!

and, last but certainly not least, kind words from fellow bloggers and readers.

Thanks Again, Everyone!

notice that i haven't said how old i am...heh!

UPDATE

wing sauce is mighty good.

More Headline News 6-12-05

2005-06-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

Howard Dean Renews Attacks on Republicans

His Battle Cry is "YEEEEAAAAAARRRRGH!"

18 nations' debt goes away

Lucky bastages...

Should Patriot Act provisions be expanded?

Terrorists around the world say "Hell, No!"

White House snubs Crowe

Make your own joke in the comments.

"MacGyver" Boss Dies

Anderson Tries To Bring Him Back To Life With a Swiss Army Knife, a Piece of Chewing Gum, and the Batteries From His Walkman, Fails

Pistons head home with Ginobili on their mind

And Gin and Tonic on their breath

The medical pot hysteria

The title "Reefer Madness" was already taken

N.J. Men Take to Trees in Climbing Tourney

N. CA Men Just Hug Trees

German city prepares "sex huts" ahead of World Cup

Expected to do more business than Pizza Huts

Senate May Weigh Climate in Energy Bill

If They Can Figure Out How to Build the Scale

144 Arrested At Huge Cockfight

Ron Jeremy, Tommy Lee Among Arrestees

well, that's the news for now. be sure to visit basil's, Moe's, and Dane's sites for more headline funny!

thanks!

Today Is My Birthday!

2005-06-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

or, what's left of it. i had to work. :(

but, Yay anyway!

It's Headline News Time Again!

2005-06-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

sorry about missing a day of funny headlines. i started a download of SuSe Linux 9.3 to play with on my old computer yesterday, a 3+ gig download, and it is taking up so much bandwidth that my cable connection is slower than dial-up.

way slower.

so, i paused the Linux download tonight to bring you a few funny headlines.

Gogel hits Booz hard

Search Engine goes out to the bar with reporter that wrote this headline

Painkillers link to heart attacks

Heart attacks evolve in the TTLB Ecosystem

2nd Mad Cow Possible; U.S. Sees 'No Risk'

Rosie look-alike not expected to do anything important

Howard Dean's missing funny bone

Turns up in a bowl of fast-food chili

Counting on Lady Luck

Michael Jackson's Boy Luck has run out

Microsoft offers beta of Adobe rival

Will call it MudBrick

Rusty the clown

Is being sued by Krusty

The Gitmo Shuffle

Not As Entertaining As "The Curly Shuffle" (Hey Moe!...Hey Moe!)

now you all have the song stuck in your head, don't you?

nyuck nyuck nyuck!

well, back to the Linux...see y'all manana!

Yay! It's Support a Young Blogger Day!

2005-06-09T02:09:00.002-07:00

no, really. i didn't just make that up.

ok, i did. you caught me on that one.

but, i do want all you folks to go and visit Jennifer's Musings, because she's a smart kid that is not only intelligent and articulate, but also is on the 'right' side...

read her stuff...not just the last few posts, but the ones before that, the posts that made me think "Wow. if all kids thought this way, the world would be a better place."

the other posts are about being a kid. nothing wrong with being what you are....:)

if the future rests in the hands of the youth, i hope that when she grows up, she is in the position to help shape that future.

anyways, stop by her site, say some kind words, encourage her.

and when she gets Blogrolling set up, blogroll her!

thanks!

UPDATE

her big sister has a blog too, and also writes some good stuff. check it out!

thanks again!

Headlines 6-08-05

2005-06-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

Eyes on Congress for Medical Marijuana Relief

Half-Closed, Very Bloodshot Eyes

Two U.S. pilots convicted of trying to fly while drunk

Flapping their arms and making airplane noises while staggering down the runway gave them away

Body Parts From Jet Hit a Long Island Home

Homeowner Says It Was Even Worse Than Frozen Sewage

Advani pulled a Congress on BJP

BJP pulled a .45...guess who won?

Bush won't help Turkey with Kurds

Will Help Turkey with Whey

Australian Police Says Powder in Embassy Packages `Harmless'

Police Tested it on Ozzy, and He Didn't Seem Any More Incoherent Than Before

Woodward does Washington

Not expected to be as popular as 'Debbie does Dallas'

Terrorism suspects rounded up near Sacramento

Suspects glad that The Governator didn't do it in person

What If the British Vote No?

They'll Vote However We Tell Them To....

Chip Wars: Apple & IBM

And I Thought the Cola Wars Were Bad Enough...

Hydrocarbon volcano discovered on Titan

Bush Blamed

The 'old' Tyson gets in his licks

And a bite or two

well, on that bad joke, i'll let you get back to work, or surfing the net, or whatever it is that you do after you read my headlines.

if you're going to read other blogs, i suggest you go and visit basil's, Moe's, and Dane's sites. good funny.

that is all.

Headlines 6-06-05

2005-06-06T22:32:00.000-07:00

Jackson at hospital again, for back pain

Says it hurts when he bends over...no wait, that's next week's news.

User of Medical Marijuana Says She'll Continue to Fight

Against What, She Can't Quite Remember

US: Clinton defends Deep Throat, Kissinger critical

Clinton Likes Old-School Porn, Kissinger Prefers New Stuff

Microsoft aims at the BlackBerry market

Plans to computerize fruit have organic farmers worried

Cranberry juice may fight viruses, study finds

Study also urges dumb people to not pour juice into their computers

N.C. School Race Undecided After 7 Months

Them Kids Run Mighty Slow

Experts Gather to Discuss Antarctic Issues

Agree That It Is Very Cold Down There

Study Looks at Yellowstone Roads, Bison

Study Finally Identifies Smelly Substance Covering Yellowstone Roads

Brazil suspends logging permits in deforested Amazon state

Lack of trees to cut cited

California botanists find rare grass species not seen since 1912

After smoking it, California botanists proclaim it to be "primo, dude!"

Semifinalists Named in Desert Robot Race

R2D2 in Lead, C3PO a Distant Second

Corporations Entering World of Blogs

Then Firing Employees Found to be Blogging About Them

'Cinderella Man' in fighting form at box office

As is it's star in hotel lobby

Iran sends rare Bacon painting to Britain

Britons boil and eat it, then exclaim "mmmm, Bacon"

well, that's the news for tonight! for more headline humor, check out basil, Moe, and Dane.

thanks for stopping by!

New Headline Funny! 6-05-05

2005-06-05T01:51:00.000-07:00

Dean: West Fertile Ground for Democrats

However, Democrats are Afraid of Screwing the Environment

Taiwan test fires 1st cruise missile

Tom is proud to have new Taiwanese missile named after him, hopes it isn't a "bomb"

Teeter-totter job growth

"Power Lunches" are giving way to "Power Recesses"

Wal-Mart Moving Upscale

Will Raise Prices on Goods Made by Children in 3rd World Countries to Compete With Kmart, Martha Stewart

"Cinderella Man" Takes Manhattan

Looks To Take Over San Francisco Next

'Breakfast Club' Cast Reunites on MTV

Now call themselves the 'Supper Club'

Cole points finger at Dein

Says "He's the one that had the bean burrito for lunch, not me!"

High voltage power lines could cause leukemia: Study

Study also admits electrocution is another danger of high-voltage power lines

A Good Laugh May Help Shed Extra Weight

Yet another reason to visit my site! (and basil's, Moe's, and Dane's sites as well.)

and that concludes tonight's headlines.

sorry for the short post, but tourist season has begun in my little town, so i'm worn out from work.

see y'all tomorrow!

Heh. Indeed.

2005-06-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

just checking my sitemeter, and i'm #71 in some poor, horny pervert's search for Jaime Lynn Spears.

my "recipe" for Crumpets during the Great Blog War....

funny stuff! especially thinking about how someone had to check out 70 other sites before mine trying to find what he was looking for, and was disappointed yet again.

heh!

ACK!!!! Memes Suck!

2005-06-04T02:18:00.000-07:00

unlike the Dodger-lovin' Thong Pirate, i hate memes.

i tend to ignore them until they go away, unless they are about something really nasty like a turd in a punchbowl or such. that can be funny.

but Teach tagged me with the music one, and just because i like music, i'll play along.

The last CD I bought was:
believe it or not, it was KISS with Symphony. i grew up listening to KISS blasting through the wall between my bedroom and my older brother's bedroom, and i guess it kinda grew on me. like a fungus.

the CD was about what you might expect a CD of KISS playing with an Australian Symphony Orchestra might sound like. it sucked.

Song (CD) playing right now:
none. i usually don't listen to music while i'm blogging. it tends to distact me from the more important job, which is bringing the funny headlines to you, my loyal readers.

Five songs that I listen to a lot or that mean alot to me:
well, i have a lot of the same musical tastes as the Scurvy Dog that tagged me with this meme.

Pink Floyd is always good. i like "Not Now John" from "the Final Cut"

1812? i have the Telarc version, one of the first DDD recordings , recorded in Ohio in some university, features digitally recorded cannons that can shred speakers if you don't have the bass set up to handle it. very good.

i also like "The Four Seasons" by Vivaldi. "Spring" is the best, is the Metal of Classical....

speaking of Metal, early Metallica, Sabbath with Ozzy, and post-Sabbath Dio can always float my galleon, to make a pirate reference...so many songs, hard to name just one.

all-time favorite? "Break On Through" by Jim. "All Along The Watchtower" by Bob, recorded by Jimi, is second.

as i dislike memes, i will not tag. should you choose to participate, go for it!

track back to me, so i can enjoy the traffic!

Headline Funny for 6-04-05

2005-06-04T00:29:00.000-07:00

Israel uses sound technology to disperse riot

Played Cyndi Lauper, Madonna cds at full blast until rioters got disgusted and left

Will Webmasters Move to .xxx?

Many Porn Enthusiasts Hope So

Red Hat Frees Fedora to the Fedora Foundation

Fedora is Happy to be Released by It's Evil Communist Captors, Thanks Foundation for Help

This week in Microsoft

More buggy, unsecure software is being created

T. Rex Specimen's Leg Bones Show Gender, Link to Birds

Scientists Now Believe Male T-Rexes Would Say "Look At The Legs On That Chickadee"

Now it's in the jurors' hands

Michael Jackson wishes it were still in his hand

Britney writes poem about honeymoon

Plans to release it along with honeymoon video

Scientists put trust in a bottle

Brewers have been putting beauty in a bottle for centuries

Test vaccine eases shingles pain: Merck

Shingles say that they barely even noticed that they were being nailed onto a roof, thank Merck

U.S. Confirms Gitmo Soldier Kicked Quran

Soldier Credits Quran Patches for Helping Him Give Up Habit

AP: Intelligence Sees Terrorists in Iran

Non-Intelligent Call Them "Future Insurgents"

Fatah gunmen block Gaza road to Egyptian border

Skinnyah gunmen were not able to block road

Jackson jurors begin weighing fate of pop star

Whatever the verdict is, someone will soon be having sex with a man against their will

New, smaller post-referendum French government gets to work

Top items on their agenda: Find new ways to surrender, and smell worse than ever before

Heat Puts Hurt on Pistons

Improperly Cooled Engine Nearly Explodes

Naming of Cox to SEC Gets Mixed Reception

SEC likes "Mr. Happy", "John Henry", but balks at "Captain Winky" and "The Amazing Trouser Trout"

bad headline rule has been called by the ump.

Dodgers Hit New Low

Just When I Thought They Couldn't Get Any Lower.....

Why Americans are on the road again

Canada just opened it's borders to Liberals

Restaurant Serves Food in Toilet Bowls

Patrons Say "That's Some Good S**t"
or
In This Fast-Paced World, Restauranteur Seeks to Eliminate One Step In the Dining Experience (bad pun intended, btw!)

well, that's the news for tonight! for more headline humor, check out basil, Moe, and Dane.

that is all.

Thanks For Putting Up With Me...

2005-06-03T01:45:00.000-07:00

yes, i was bummed about my truck breaking down. shiznit happens. i'm over it.

however, all this walking to work stuff might endanger my TTLB status.

there's no category for Mid-sized Mammals... heh!

in other, better news...Headlines are back!

this post will now self-destruct in 10...9...8...7...BOOM!

dang.

Headline News....6-02-05

2005-06-03T01:34:00.000-07:00

'Deep Throat' Revealed

As if Linda Lovelace had anything left to reveal

Pearland boy gets another shot at bee

Bee dodges BB again

Spitzer telescope witnesses massive stars' birth: NASA

Spitzer invents telescope that can look into the past, sees birth of O'Donnell

Slater denies sexual abuse charge

Hopes that Jackson trial ends soon, needs lawyer with no scruples

Snoop Accused of Show Smackdown

Defense says: "He was Frizzamed!"

Woodward and Bernstein, Dynamic Duo, Together Again

Bruce Wayne and Richard Graysons' true names revealed

Calif. Boy Weaves a Perfect Spell

Damn Wiccan Hippies...

Powder in parliament package

Parliament powders it's package so it doesn't chafe

Red tide continues spread down New England coast

Blue tide demands recount

Australians save more than 100 stranded whales

Rosie, and more than 99 others on food-tour bus thank Aussies for bringing gasoline

Doctors Successfully Separate Legs of 'Mermaid Baby'

They Give Her a Bath After Surgery, and She Grows a Fish Tail Again

Montana T-rex skeleton yields clues to dinosaur anatomy

They were huge, and had big, sharp teeth

That's one small snip for mankind . . .

Kerry has a vasectomy

‘Trust’ Hormone Identified

Hillary wants the secret to further her political career, Bill wants it for "undisclosed purposes"

Syria Test-Fires Scud Missiles

Finds that they are still as accurate as they were when built in the 50's by the Russians

For Some, a Return Home; for Others, No Home to Go To

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. and sometimes is held by Vegas until you can pay.

CDC Chief Backs Away From Report On Obesity

Was Too Fat to Sit at Table Where Report Was Placed

Aircraft Noise may Affect Children's Learning

WHAT????

China dissatisfied with new trade limits

Wants to keep bombarding US with even more cheap, poorly-made goods

Fossilized T. rex was young female, scientists believe

Are still not sure, since most scientists have not seen a young female after they made their career choice

well, on that note, i'm outta here!

as always, the comments are there to be used, but not abused.

thanks!

Extra Bummer to the Bummer Day

2005-06-02T01:25:00.000-07:00

got up this morning, bright and ~~nasty~~ early, (remember i'm an insomniac that works the night shift in a restaurant) and went to the parts store to get a new battery.

50 bucks. got 4 bucks back with the trade-in.

Guy in the parts store told me to bring the truck by the store after i put the new battery in to test the alternator, and see if that might be the root of the problem.

one thing before the story continues...i have known this guy that works at the parts store for many years. he wouldn't try to screw me for parts i didn't need.

anyway, he hooked the doo-hickey up to the battery, measured the output, i started the motor, and he shook his head.

one hundred and sixty-four bucks later, i walked out with a brand-new remanufactured alternator. i'll get 44 bucks back when i bring the core back to the parts store.

i'll put it in tomorrow, or maybe the day after. i already replaced the original alternator about 5 years ago (with help!), was guaranteed for 3 years, and i found that left-handed people like myself are at a disadvantage when trying to repair anything on a small motor that wasn't built more than 30 years ago.

fortunately for me, my step-dad, who is a lot more knowledgeable about mechanics than i am, is right-handed, and can not only get to the one bolt that is necessary to remove the alternator, but has the strength with that right hand to break the bolt loose from the after-effects of the salt air that is a by-product of the beautiful place where i choose to live.

and you might ask, "why would somebody go through all this trouble to fix an ugly, rusty, beat-up little pickup truck that moehawk bought in '99 for 200 bucks?"

well, because it has never stranded me farther than i could walk to my home from, and everything that went wrong with it (besides a clutch rebuild that needed to be done before i bought it ) i could do myself, or at least with the help of a strong right-hand man.

(thanks again, Harold!)

and i have driven the heck out of it, to San Francisco and back for baseball games, to Santa Rosa and back to visit family, and Sacramento and back twice to visit a friend in the hospital that i thought i might never see alive again after a horrible car accident.

that last one, has something to do with my screen name.

maybe i'll tell y'all about it sometime, when i'm ready. (don't worry, it does have a happy ending)

on the way home from the second trip to Sac, the hydraulic clutch slave cylinder went south on me, but the faithful little truck got me home in 3rd and 4th gear, stop signs be damned, and me, the chef (not a mechanic, but also not a dipsh*t), was able to replace the broken part once i got home. only took me 7 hours...most of that time was trying to loosen a connection in the hydraulic system that just wouldn't let go....

so, anyways, a truck that has been that good to me (especially for 200 bucks 6 years ago) that needs a new battery and alternator, i'll pay the money, do the work and give kudos to the right-handed folks that help me, and drive that little ugly beat-up truck until it dies.

and when it does finally die, i will mourn. not as i would mourn a flesh-and-blood friend, but i will judge all other pickups in the future against the standard that my little truck created.

Bummer Day...

2005-05-31T22:53:00.000-07:00

today started out fine, decent weather, day off, etc., but when i jumped into my beat-up, rusty, ugly but always faithful little pickup and drove to the local supermarket (about 4 miles from my house), it refused to start for the drive home.

it tried, the starter solenoid clicked, the headlights worked, but the battery just didn't have the juice to get the motor running.

three kind strangers offered their help, and their car batteries' current to help me and my groceries get home. and all to no avail. one guy even happened to have a spare battery cable terminal (my negative was loose, and not able to be tightened any more) and even put in on the cable for me.

and each time that these kind people jump-started my truck, after i thanked them profusely for their trouble and they drove away, the engine died, and wouldn't restart. i finally ended up calling my step-dad, and he gave me and my dinner a ride home.

two hours spent in a supermarket parking lot, looking at 50 to 80 bucks for a new battery (the one in my truck is a 60 month battery installed in August 2000...guess that just might be the problem..:p) and hoping that i don't need a new alternator.

the truck is still there, until tomorrow when i can get the battery and put it in, and drive it home. then test the alternator...

on top of that, i scanned the headlines and couldn't find anything funny to report to my loyal readers.

or maybe i'm just not in the right mood to find funny.

check back tomorrow. i just might be feeling funny then.

thanks!

Filthy Lie

2005-05-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

Q:What's Black and Tan and tastes good to a lawyer?

A: A blended Doberman puppy, of course!

i don't know how the bartender gets the layered puppy effect on that drink, and i won't ask....

Ahhh, The Weekend Is Over! or, Headline News Resumes!

2005-05-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

while most Americans view Memorial Day Weekend as a time to have fun with your families, and remember the sacrifices of our fallen soldiers in many different wars, in the restaurant industry it means that Tourist Season has officially begun.

why do they call it Tourist Season and not issue tags? c'mon, just three a year....no does...

aw, heck. nothing i can do about it, so i might as well just get over it and give my attention to all those headlines that are just crying out for the funny.

France shatters EU unity

Then surrenders

EU, US moves to limit China textile exports have no basis: Bo

After losing on American Idol, Bice turns to economics to make a living

Taking baton from Bolton, Cheney slams North Korean leader

Wins match, but is later disqualified for using baton

Wheldon becomes first Englishman in 39 years to win Indy 500

But, he drove on the wrong side of the track

Runs, Hits and an Era

no joke, but i would bet that basil would appreciate this article. as would all fans of the game.

Patrick Eyes Piece of History

Left Unsatisfied by Spongebob, Starfish Attempts to Woo Bugs Bunny

FDA Probes Vision Loss in Viagra Users

FDA says "If Love is Blind, Lust Can Be Too"

Australian scientists stunned by crab invasion

Say: "We shouldn't have gone to that brothel in Perth after the Star Trek convention after all"

In River of Many Aliens, Snakehead Looms as Threat

Thus Begins Star Wars VII. i hope Jar-Jar isn't in it

Researchers Use Maps to Research Obesity

Michael Moore Is So Fat that He Needs a Cartographer Instead of a Dietician

Where the elephants roam

Watch your step, or you'll be in deep s**t

well, folks, this concludes tonight's Headline News post.

i hope you enjoyed it.

feel free to tell me how much you enjoyed it in the comments.

thanks!

Rough Weekend...

2005-05-29T04:12:00.000-07:00

sorry about not posting the Headline News tonight.

Memorial Day weekend is one of the busiest times of the year in the restaurant biz.

tonight, the little restaurant that i work for had it's busiest night in it's history (ok,the restaurant has been operating for only 6 years, but history is history!) and i'm exhausted.

one hundred and seventy-eight people enjoyed my best efforts at culinary excellence tonight, and not a complaint was heard.

fortunately for me, we hire deaf waitresses.

no, really! two of our waitstaff are hearing impaired, but not totally deaf. sometimes i make jokes at the expense of other's dignity, but in this case, both of the aforementioned waitresses would laugh if they would ever decide to join the 21st century and buy computers so they could read this joke.

all that aside, i'm wiped out.

see y'all tomorrow.

Headline News! 5-28-05

2005-05-28T01:49:00.000-07:00

Muslims denounce 'US Koran abuse'

Prefer to abuse Koran themselves

Internet Site Says Zarqawi Is Healthy and in Charge

Site Also Wants To Sell The Brooklyn Bridge

Intel: Iran equipped for atomic weapon

Exactly how chip-making company got this information is being reviewed by governments around the world

Atlanta police end standoff with crane climber

Police sniper finally came home from vacation

Iraqi Bombers Claim They Were Deceived

Say That Bombs Were Supposed To Be Filled With Stuffed Bunnies and Candy

Nokia Ventures into Non-Phone Territory

Is Severely Beaten, and Left at Edge of Phone Territory as a Warning

Fraud by Insurer in Calif. Alleged

By Yoda, written this headline was.

Microsoft urges Windows users to dump Netscape 8

And while you're at it, get rid of Firefox, Opera, and anything else we didn't make and charge you for. m'kay?

Face it: Spurs will be around awhile

Horses upset

Patrick will do 'whatever it takes'

Patrick really wants to get into Spongebob's square pants

Did 'Idol' wear out its welcome

Yes. Right after Moses got back to town

Strachan: I don't need Celtic ties

Strachan prefers Laker ties

Feds Examine Impotence Drug, Blindness Link

Your Mother Was Right....

Introducing the chocolate candy diet...

American kids will continue to be fat

Alzheimer Victim Sold 11 Organs

Fortunately For Organ Recipients, Brain Was Not Among Organs Sold

well, folks, that's the headline news for tonight.

and no, William Teach, and Tom, i haven't forgotten about the memes. i'm still working on them....

see y'all tomorrow.

I'm A Large Mammal Now!

2005-05-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

and i'm not talking about my waistline...but i guess i qualify there, too!

no, i'm talking about my status in the TTLB Ecosystem...i devolved from a Marsupial back to a Rodent a few days ago (GRRR! oops, i meant SQUEEEEEK!), so imagine my surprise when i woke up today to find that i was now a Mammal! only two words can describe my feelings...

WOO-HOO!

is that considered two words, or does the hyphen make it one word?

ah, heck. who cares.

well, now i'd like to thank everyone that has helped me achieve my new status. and a few deserve extra-special thanks, for getting me going in this blogging thing, and keeping me going even when nobody else seems to care (or at least leave a comment to let me know that they care...)

first, my blog-parents, basil and sarahk.

y'all showed me that anyone and everyone can be a blogger, mostly by getting up and doing it yourselves, and having a lot of fun and entertaining me while you're doing your stuff. i got a lot of confidence from that, and have tried to model my style to be a reflection of the two of you.

and an extra round of thanks to basil for all the help with the technical problems, and for all the publicity he gave me as a newbie blogger.

next are phin and Tom, two bloggers that were willing to share their HTML knowledge with me (as in phin's coding for the seven sacred war phrases and Tom's referral to an online HTML tutorial). plus, they were among the first commentors on my humble blog. you guys ROCK!

and sorry, phin, still no more veggie porn.

and, of course, The Sisters.

The Big Sister (who's 5'4"), The Mean Sister (who is 5'6") and The Little Sister (who is 6'0")(and has never commented on my site, so i'm still not convinced that she is not a myth, but if basil and the real sisters believe she exists, then i do as well. and love her as much as i do the "real" sisters....) who have supported me from day 1.

and still do, when they can take time from their busy lives to actually sit down for a bit, relax, and read a blog or two. thanks for everything you've done to make me feel at home in this big, new world!

next, is my baseball nemesis, William Teach. a Dodgers fan, but underneath that vileness, a good man. loves baseball, the American Flag, and Star Wars too. with all that on his side, i can't fault him for picking the wrong team...:)

oddybobo definitely deserves a cheer from me, not only commenting on my site in the early days, but also giving up her Grammy's (Halmoni's) Kimchi recipe to somebody that would appreciate it. and i do.

last, but definitely not least, are the two bloggers that i have been giving publicity to lately on my humble site. Moe and Dane. they laugh at my stuff, i laugh at theirs, i promote them, they promote me.

ain't that what this whole thing is all about?

and, to everyone that has me linked but i didn't mention tonight, thank you. thank you very much.

Headlines 5-25-05

2005-05-25T23:54:00.000-07:00

'Operation Spam Zombies' launched in 20 countries

Zombies in 20 countries afraid to open their inboxes

Buffett's Buying Energy

Jimmy is worn out from playing concerts all the time

Catch of the season

Will most likely not be made by the Giants

'Star Wars' Worm Targets AOL, Yahoo IM Services

Worm Still Upset After Millenium Falcon Got Away

Reports: Zarqawi Shot in Lung

Bullet Would Have Hit Heart, If He Had One

Investors Juiced About Scottish Power

Are Also Juiced On Scottish Whisky

Floods Devastate Colorado Trailer Park

At Least It Wasn't A Tornado

Parts spin-off blow for Ford

Ford used to parts falling off ,but doesn't know how to react to new problems

Secondhand smoke may cut women's fertility

Now even more men will light up a cigarette after sex

Carrie Underwood, All Choked Up

Bo Won't Let Go of Her Throat

Giants 10, Dodgers 2

William Teach: heh!

Grand Plan Approved to Give L.A. a Heart

Also Included in Plan: S.F. to get Courage, Sacramento, a Brain

that's the news for tonight.

thanks for stopping by.

4 In A Row!

2005-05-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

yes, folks, another happy Giants post.

Giants won tonight, 10-2 against the reviled LA Dodgers, thanks to a great 8 innings from Brett Tomko, and a sweet 9th by Munter.

not to mention that Pedro Feliz and Moises Alou each had a pair of homers, and both of Pedro's were 2 run homers...

life is good, at least for tonight.

Giants and Dodgers are tied at 4 games out of first place (Padres and Diamondbacks are first and second place), Rockies are 13.5 games out... sorry, Babaganoosh.

i'll be at work during the series finale, so i won't know the outcome until about 11 pm or so tomorrow.

GO GIANTS!

I'm Back!

2005-05-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

sorry for not posting yesterday.

between enjoying a beautiful day here in N. CA, Blogger problems, and catching the late showing of "Revenge Of The Sith", i was a bit worn out and just not in the blogging mood.

re: Star Wars III: if you haven't seen it yet, definitely do so. way better than I and II.

so what's up with the Ecosystem? two days ago i was a Marsupial, well on my way to Mammalhood. last night, i devolved back to a Rodent, while others, like Moe suddenly triple their inbound links and rocket from Rodent to Mammal overnight. when i click on my status display, it takes me to the Bear's site, but calls me "Blogger:404 - page not found", asks me if this is my weblog, and if so click here to learn how to show your status, etc., and when i click, i get this:

Warning: mysql_connect() [function.mysql-connect]: Access denied for user: 'nzbear_ttlb@localhost' (Using password: YES) in /home/nzbear/public_html/statusdisplay.php on line 162
Could not connect MySQL

i've also noticed that another Blogger user, Ogre, is listed as a 404 - page not found also.

on a happier note, the Giants beat the Dodgers last night, increasing their winning streak to 3, and not a small amount of confidence was gained by the team last night, as the Dodgers seem to be the biggest pain in the Giants' collective pinkytoe this season. hope that they can do it again tonight.

hope to have some funny up later, possibly after the Giants game. most of my regular viewers will most likely be in bed by then, but you'll have something to snicker over while enjoying your morning cup o' ~~puppy~~ coffee.

Headlines! 5-23-05

2005-05-24T02:02:00.000-07:00

Unrest puts Afghanistan back in the spotlight

Afghanistan says "How am i supposed to get any sleep with the lights on?"

Sharon Calls for Coordination in Mideast

Ozzy wants his drugs delivered faster

Warren Beatty Slams Gov. Arnold

Gov. Arnold suplexes Beatty, piledrives him, and then twists his arm until he screams like a girl, finally pins him to win the match

is "suplexes" a word?

A planet of their own

Wouldn't it be nice if the Liberal Whackos found it?

'Housewives' finale is satisfying, if not delicious

'Housewives' no longer 'Desperate'

How to save your skin

Is the hottest topic around Newsweek's water coolers

Transplant shock as 3 die from hamster virus

Tom begins to worry

Developer Hails Results of Ejaculation Drug Test

Athletes seem to prefer new test over standard urine test

Researchers Pinpoint Brain's Sarcasm Sensor

Now Are Looking For Brain's Bad Pun Generator

Spector's Past Gun Play to Figure in Trial

No joke on this one. just click on the link to see the worst white-man 'fro in history.

Man Leaps From Car to Retrieve Cigarette

Says "I'll tumble a mile on asphalt for a Camel"

India to build old-age home for tigers

Woods thanks India, but says that one bad season won't end his career

Florida Man Accused of Poaching Alligator

sarahk tells Frank J. "goofy-goof! everyone knows that alligators are best when they are barbecued!"

well, folks, that's the news for tonight.

i hope you liked it!

and as usual, you can find more headline funny at Dane's, Moe's and basil's sites.

thanks for visiting my blog!

Headlines 5-23-05

2005-05-23T01:39:00.000-07:00

Google Searches Its Soul

Finds It Has No Soul

Apple Recalls Batteries, Again

Clockwork Orange Points at Apple and Laughs

Hyundai opens Alabama home

Says "Sweet!"

Download your brain onto a computer

As if I don't spend too much time online already....

Jackson child abuse trial is nearing end

Somebody known only as "Bubba" will soon be nearing Jackson's end

Bald men can blame mum!

Especially if their mother was bald, too

Israel, Arabs agree to save Dead Sea

Should be agreeing to save Live People

Gates Warns on Information Overload

Seeks To Stop Microsoft Consumers From Being Informed That His Products Suck

Species declining faster than ever, says international biodiversity study

French say" *chomp* *munch* *glorp* *buuuuuuuurp!* Why are you looking at us?"

Video game makers seek more fun

Are bummed to learn that Mustang Ranch has closed since the last time that they went outside

Rifaximin protects against Montezuma's revenge

Montezuma upset, vows to defeat Riflaximin with his superior 'Dung-Fu'
yes, bad. very bad.

Bowel cancer test often misses the mark in women

Occasionally detects cervical cancer when it does miss the mark

it's headlines like the last one that make me wish i installed the "Read More" option on my blog. but, you all should know my bad headline policy by now.

and on that note, i will end this post.

let me know if i said anything that made you laugh, or if you de-linked me for the last one, please tell me politely.

thanks!

Giants Actually Won!

2005-05-23T01:19:00.000-07:00

twice in a row, even!

now, if they can just put one more "w" in a row, they can get their website back!

heh! i crack myself up, sometimes.

the Giants won 3-2 against the Oakland Athletics Saturday, 3-1 against the Athletics on Sunday. i'd like to see a few more runs scored for SF in the next series against the Dodgers starting on Tuesday. As all Giants fans know by now, there is no such thing as a comfortable lead, especially against LA.

end baseball post (on a happier note this time!)

Yay! Typepad is working again!

2005-05-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

so tonight's headline funny is to be had at basil's house.

please stop by and read it, if you haven't done so already before you came to this humble little blog.

thanks!

While Typepad Is Down....

2005-05-21T04:31:00.000-07:00

i'll bring the funny to my loyal fans!

screw that paid-for blogging software, blogger is working when typepad isn't!

Underwear photo spurs inquiry

Inquiry seeks to determine whether evil, insane dictators prefer tighty-whiteys over boxers

South Korea sends fertilizer to North Korea by land

Figured that that much bulls**t would be too heavy to fly

Afghan president 'shocked' by U.S. abuse report

Admits it was less unpleasant than being 'shocked' by car battery

Local Muslims say Quran will live on

Celine Dion's Muslim cousin plans to sing song about it

President Sends His Very Best

Men, Women, and Bombs to Iraq

Photos of Saddam stir up fierce debate

Is his reputation of being "the biggest prick in the Middle East" deserved?

Trade wars threaten world recession

Yoda says" Send a pair of Jedis, we must"

NASA Contest Seeks Oxygen From a Rock

In unrelated news, My Creditors Seek Blood From a Turnip

Going After the Accuser

Is Why Jacko is on Trial

Letourneau marries Fualaau

Child Molesters all around the world celebrate

Harper urged to soften image

Vows to never stop playing Motorhead and Black Sabbath tunes on his harp

well, that's the funny for tonight. i hope to put it up on basil's site sometime soon. maybe early tomorrow morning, or afternoon.

anyhoo, see y'all tomorrow.

To all My Loyal Fans...

2005-05-21T03:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday's installment of my headlines can be found at basil's blog

he asked me to guest-host at his site while he is away, but i'm sure that you know that already, since everyone that doesn't arrive here via basil's site eventually stops by via Moe or Dane.

it's kinda nice to play in a Primate's house, if only for a weekend...

UPDATE

Typepad is experiencing some problems at this time. i am unable to login. fortunately, i thought ahead (as per recommendations from my blog-dad) and saved the headline post in a notepad file. i hope to post it there, just for the thrill of posting my stuff on a blog that is in the top 100, but if all else fails, my loyal readers, i will have to resort to posting it here.

or, maybe i'll post it on both blogs....just to make sure someone reads it!

heh!

Headlines 5-20-05

2005-05-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

MPs vote to lift Boston's Indian ban

Cleveland fans glad that Military Police decided to intervene

Sony vs. Microsoft vs. Nintendo: Who Will Win the Next Videogame Battle?

The Kid With the Fastest Thumbs, Of Course

First Look: Netscape's Two-Headed Browser

Microsoft to Counter With Browser Having Seven Heads, and Ten Horns, and Upon Each Head a Golden Crown....

Google launches Desktop Search for business users

'Booble' launches similar service for porn users

Hilton profits dip, sees betting growth

Hilton plans to release new video, hopes to see growth in other areas

JACKSON WITNESS DUMPED

AFTER HE TURNED 14

All about fun on 'Idol'

Until Moses returned

Trump hires first female 'Apprentice'

Was hoping for an 'intern', but will make do with what he has

Bo knows a cappella

Mafia ties got him in the finals
or
Former athlete finds new career

Fox in search of stability

Mexican President looking for 'serious relationship'

Troops capture Uzbek rebel chief

Vader can't wait to try the Interrogation Droid on him

Secret US, N Korea talks fail

Unnamed source says "Seems that we just weren't speaking the same language"

FBI: Georgia Grenade Was Threat to Bush

MLB:Columbus Catfish could be threat to Giants

Social Security roadshow losing its luster

Decreases value, according to Antiques Roadshow

Court hints at lighter Khodorkovsky sentence

Court feels that having 'Dork' in the middle of your last name is enough punishment

what? you want more? well, ok. some people can never have enough punishment.

Scientists Unveil Earthquake Forecast

Hope It's As Accurate As *cough, snicker* Weather Forecast

Google revs its engines to show where it may be headed

Google to enter NASCAR in order to attract more White Trash Wednesday fans

TDK does 100 GB capacity Blu-ray discs

Then rolls over and goes to sleep....Blu-ray discs disappointed, wanted to cuddle with TDK afterward

well, hope you liked it.

let me know!

that is all.

Headlines 5-19-05

2005-05-19T00:18:00.000-07:00

Chronology of the Staines triple murder case

I thought the Staines case had something to do with a dress and Bill Clinton...my bad

Adrian bears down on Central America

Rocky Balboa heads south to find his wife

Grenade tossed at Bush no dud

Unlike the President, if you believe First Lady

Iran adamant on nuke programme

Programmes! Get your Programmes! Can't tell which nuke is which without one!

Space weapons seen as possibility

DOD is reviewing Frank J.'s blueprints for S.M.I.T.E.

Queen says it's good to be back in Canada

Elton John re-visits Toronto, eh?

Google heralds the Desktop Search for Enterprise

Trekkies are thrilled

Selig sells Congress on steroids

Expect bigger, more aggresive Congressmen next season

It's Out With the Old as CBS Cancels 4 Shows

Rather Has Company in the Unemployment Line

U.S. panel backs off ban on women in combat roles

Will experiment with women in combat roles while they are experiencing PMS...First all-female platoon begins combat training next month

Survey: Diabetes patients not watching levels

Survey also says carpenters are

Medical robots start work at London hospital

"Patch-Cord Adams" model is officially released in England

what? you think this is easy or something? i slave all day over a hot CPU just to bring you the funny and all i get is a snicker? oy. i'm going over to Moe's house. at least he understands.

'Vine that ate South' cuts drinkers' thirst

By wrapping tendrils tightly around drinkers' throats

On Senate floor, the battle is on

Dark Side wins...heh!

on that note, this installment of headline news comes to an end.

as always, feel free to discuss my lack of humor in the comments. or tell me if you actually laughed!

thanks.

that is all.

Headlines 5-17-05

2005-05-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

Iraq regime forbids raids on mosques

Might hurt terrorists hiding in mosques

2005 Hurricane Outlook

Has sarahk Worried

Everybody Loves 'Raymond' One Last Time

'Raymond' Thanks Viagra For Allowing Him To 'Perform' for Everybody

Federer eyes Wimbledon

Wimbledon says "Get lost, creep!"

What's coming and going on NBC

Network enters hardcore porn arena

Kuwait grants women right to vote

Exactly how their husbands tell them to vote

yes, bad. but most likely true.

Bush Urges Development of Alternate Fuels

Then Invests In Alternate Fuel Companies

Hurricane Forecasters Relying on Public

"Oh, Crap! That Looks Like a Hurricane! Call the Forecasters!"

Professor Details Fight Against Narcolepsy

Fell Asleep 3 Times During Speech

Employee Fired For Drinking Wrong Beer?

When You Drink The Boss's Beer, Yes

Four-nation project begins to map sheep genome

Goal is to produce more attractive sheep

Mountain Dew, Microsoft to give away Xboxes

Now even more kids will be up all night playing video games

well, that's the headlines for tonight. hope you enjoy them as much as i enjoy bringing them to you.

thanks!

Tough Time To Be A Giants Fan

2005-05-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

Giants lost again tonight. 9-4 against (gag! choke!)Colorado.

Noah Lowry gave up 7 earned runs, Michael Tucker was called out when a batted ball came about 6 inches from actually hitting him while on the basepaths, and just generally lackluster play from most of the SF team all added to the misery.

the most embarrassing moment came, in the bottom of the 8th, when a routine fly ball was hit to Pedro Feliz in left field. in and right back out of his glove. uh, Pedro, you gotta squeeze it.....fortunately, the runner on second was held at third, so no insult was added to the injury.

as if any was needed.

well tomorrow is a whole new game. let's hope it turns out a little better.

end baseball whining post.

Headlines 5-16-05

2005-05-16T02:19:00.000-07:00

sorry for the lack of headlines last night. i was worn out from work and a few night's worth of insomnia, and had a tough time finding anything to be funny.

i hope that this offering makes up for it.

US Caps Chinese Textile Imports

Chinese Textiles Respond With a Drive-By

2 Giants Agree to Cross-License Some Patents

Bonds, Santiago Working On Creating New Steroids

Apple gives identity thieves a way in

Trying to keep up with Microsoft

IBM Embraces Firefox For Web Browsing

Firefox Says "Hey, Lady, Just Doing My Job"

Robots master the art of reproduction

Geeks thrilled at the thought of android wives

PSU grad chooses integrity over cash

Must not be a Democrat

Motions on witnesses loom in Jackson case

Moves on victims caused case

Dave Chappelle Says He's Not Crazy

Little Green Men He Tells This To Agree

Walking to help halt AIDS

Walking away from gay bars

Trampoline Injuries Soar

And Fall. And Soar. And Fall. And...

Brain-injury case doctor hearing pleas for help

"Don't kill me" is one of most popular pleas

Weiner not part of Dems' no-bash movement

"Weiner-bashing" latest craze in San Francisco nightclubs

Microsoft, Sun announce joint authentication system

Will let you know if your dealer ripped you off with oregano-filled doobies

(beep! boop! beep! that's good stuff, dude!)

that's the news for today! feel free to leave a comment telling me that i'm the funniest guy in the world.

or, just be honest. i like that better anyway.

thanks!

I'm Tired...

2005-05-15T02:43:00.000-07:00

so no headlines tonight. sorry, folks, sometimes even i can't produce the funny.

check out basil's site for the funny headline action.

see you tomorrow!

Cong - Rats!

2005-05-14T04:21:00.000-07:00

tonight, or actually this morning, as i was perusing my personal blogroll, i saw two new recent evolvees.
Dane, and Moe have become Adorable Rodents.

i adore them because they laugh at my funny. and, they are very capable of creating funny themselves.

moehawk says: check 'em out!

Headlines 5-13-05

2005-05-14T01:52:00.000-07:00

Microsoft: You're Safe With Us

Until Hackers And Phishers Return From Vacations

Fonda makes a welcome comedic comeback

New act includes being hit in face with tobacco-spit filled pies

Pitt and Jolie together in wax

Newest kinky trend among the rich and worthless

Woody Allen Steals the Show

Democrats Say "You Just Can't Trust Them Joooos"

Paris Hilton Touts Spicy Burger in TV Ad

This Burger, However, Is Not Of The "Fur" Variety

John Paul Put on Fast Track for Sainthood

Won't Have to Pay Bridge Tolls Till End of Month

yes, bad. haven't been struck by lightning yet...so not that bad

Lawyer: Jackson Said Nothing Happened

Hmmm. I Don't Know Who To Disbelieve First...A Pedophile Or A Lawyer....

Woods Misses First Cut in Seven Years

Hippies Upset, Have No Reason To Chain Themselves to Trees

Winemaker Takes Aim at Spirits Market

Builds Himself a Still

Lawmakers fired for smashing up hotel

Thought that they were Led Zeppelin

lawmakers object to fake penis for drug tests

the story was funnier than any joke that i could make....

Hide-And-Seek Game Sparks Massive Search

Kid Won Game

so, on a happy note, i end tonight's headlines.

please don't injure each other while lining up to leave me nice comments.

thanks!

A Little Bit Of Silliness

2005-05-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

is a good thing. i got this link from my boss. even though he is not a blogger, and he is a Democrat, he still is a great guy with a good sense of humor.

it's a short movie from the Organic Trade Association, or something like that. here in N.CA, even Republicans will eat organic when they can... just tastes better.

anyway, here is the silliness that i promised.

let me know what you think!

WARNING: it does take a bit of time to load, especially if you're on a slow connection. but well worth the wait.

OMG.....I'm Almost There!

2005-05-13T03:22:00.000-07:00

well, my blogbirth still hasn't been formally announced by my blog-mommy yet, but she DID put me on her blog-family blogroll!

WOO-HOO!

glad she did it before i became a Large Mammal..might have been a little awkward...

but, i am a blogson (and a food freak, if you mouse-over my name on her blogroll) nonetheless.

now i shall start entering the Carnival of the Recipes.

next time she hosts them.

i feel almost like a whole blogger now.

Headlines 5-12-05

2005-05-13T01:48:00.000-07:00

Tom DeLay Says Democrats Have 'No Class"

Fat Albert Sues Over Use Of His 'Intellectual Property'

Wal-Mart misses mark, Target earnings jump

Wal-Mart was aiming at Target earning's knees

Firefox Update Fixes Critical Security Holes

IE jealous

Microsoft, Phillips team on digital entertainment

Customers guaranteed to be "screwed"

University Makes Bid to Run Los Alamos Lab

University of Tehran's Bid Rejected

Blow to spammers

Should definitely be followed by more of the same

Tino's Taters Turn Around Career, Yankees

Martinez's New Garlic Fries Booth A Success, Draws Lots More People To Stadium

Engineers Try to Free Mars Rover From Dune

Muad'Dib Unwilling To Give New Toy Back

CT Scans Show What King Tut Looked Like

Ironically, Just Like Steve Martin

hah! you have the song stuck in your head now, don't you?

Archaeologists Find 2,000 Year-Old Shoe

Also Find 2,000 Year-Old Dog Crap Stuck To Bottom Of Shoe

Gun Safety Class in S.C. Ends With a Bang

Hmmm. I Should Take More Gun Safety Classes...

well, on that note, i will end this headline post.

see you all tomorrow!

Giants Win!

2005-05-13T01:40:00.000-07:00

now they're back to .500 with a 6-3 win over the Astros. still in 4th place in the division, however. as bad as the Rockies are playing, i don't think that we have much chance of being cellar-dwellers any time soon.

but, i have been a Giants fan for many years, and i know all too well that anything can happen.

*keeps fingers and toes crossed*

end baseball post

In Case You Haven't Heard Yet....

2005-05-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

my very own blogdaddy has just grown a thumb! two, actually. opposable, even!

so, if any of the people that read my blog don't have basil blogrolled yet, please do so to make sure that he (and all the sisters) stay in the Playful Primates category where they truly belong.

thanks.

Headlines 5-11-05

2005-05-12T00:28:00.000-07:00

Errant Flight Prompts Capital Evacuations

Everyone In Capital Crapped Their Pants

Gates outlines his vision for Windows Mobile

Wants to make it even cooler than the Weiner Mobile

Japanese hostage may have died from wounds

Wounds certainly didn't help his chances of survival

Scientists develop robot capable of replicating itself

Cyberdyne is born...robot says "I'll be back"

Battle of the titans, Round 2

First round was just a "Clash"

Europe falls for third straight day

Is wondering when it will finally hit ground

The Rolling Stones announce new tour

Of prospective nursing homes

Salma Hayek enjoying Cannes jury duty

Hmmph. at least someone likes it.

Arena obesity drug yields good data

Scrawny Arena Football players happy to bulk up without steroids

34 Bases on Worst Toxic Waste Sites List

Hmmm....No Mention of Area 51...

Perez to Replace Carp as Kodak CEO

phin is upset, vows revenge

Iran to announce resuming nuclear fuel work

Iran is just itching for a "Shock and Awe" demonstration up close and personal

Twin brothers die in fall on Mt. McKinley

Ironically, both landed at same time...family is in Denali....

bad headline policy is still in effect.

U.S. army probes why troops go wild in Columbia

Ummmm...Cocaine and Loose Columbian Women? just a guess.

City hopes to cut crime with scooter ban

Hell's Angels can still kill people, trash bars as long as they ride real motorcycles

Women-only train cars irritate some men

As does Lifetime Network programming

Cat Survives Fire, House Explosion

Only To Be Run Over By Fire Truck

well, that's the headline funny for tonight. eat your heart out, Moe. Just don't forget to salt it first...heh!

Jewish jokes are allowed on this site as long as they are clean and funny.

Don't make me put up a "No Israel Bashing Zone" button up on my blog....

that is all.

I'm a Marsupial Now!

2005-05-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

so that's why i felt so bad when i ran over that possum on the way home from work! it all makes sense now....

just kidding. i swerved and missed it completely.

thanks to all who have enjoyed my stuff enough to blogroll me, and also to those who didn't like my stuff for not insulting me and making me roll up into a quivering, pathetic ball underneath my computer desk.

you guys (and gals!) ROCK!

thanks again!

Jury Duty

2005-05-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

so, i drag myself out of bed at 8:00 am, after having slept only about 3 hours. insomnia, you know. shave, shower, etc, drive to the courthouse just before 9:00 am, groggy, grumpy, and ready to convict whatever poor bastard they put in front of me just so i can go back home.

go through the juror check-in, and am told to come back at 10:00 am, while the judge and attorneys finish some preliminary work. ok, i have time to get a cup of coffee, try to wake up a little. drink coffee, return to courthouse a little before 10.

and wait. and wait. and wait. 60 or so prospective jurors crowded into the lobby of our little courthouse, all getting more and more restless by the minute.

finally, after about 45 minutes of waiting, the doors open, and the bailiff tells all jurors to enter the courtroom and have a seat. we do so.

the judge waits till all are seated, and thanks us for showing up. he informs us that, ironically, this is National Juror Appreciation Week. we all laugh.

he then informs us that he is not our town's regular judge, that he drove over from the county seat to hear this case. unfortunately, he did not give the full 10 days notice required by law that it would be he, and not the regular judge, that would be hearing the case. he was disqualified from the trial, and we were all sent home.

all that for nothing, unless you count the fact that we all got credit for having served our jury time.

oh boy. i'm thrilled.

that's all for now.

Sorry, No Headlines Tonight

2005-05-10T22:33:00.000-07:00

i won't be doing headlines tonight. i have jury duty tomorrow morning.

i work nights. i'm also an insomniac, so i'm usually up into the wee hours of the morning scouring the news sources for funny headlines.

tomorrow i have to be up, and in the courthouse at 9:00 am sharp. that means i'll have to do a shot of Nyquil to try to get some sleep so i can wake up when my alarm goes off. not sleep through it, like i sometimes do when i am forced to get up early...

plus, i also have to be mentally alert in case i am chosen to sit on the jury, wouldn't want to convict an innocent person, or let a guilty person go free just 'cause i was too groggy to pay attention.

so, go visit basil for your headline funny. me, i'm going to bed.

goodnight, all.