News You Can't Use...'Cause I Already Did!

PETA keeps poking Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez keeps saying "Ow! stop it! Ow! stop it! Ow! stop it!"

Clinton Joins Fight Against Childhood Obesity

Steals Fat Kids' Lunch Money

All the King's Men Try to Fix Nepal's Humpty Dumpty

King's Horses Conspicuously Absent

Astronauts Unfazed by Launch Delay

Are Very Upset over Lunch Delay

78 Names Added to Journalist's Memorial

Most were Made Up by Other Journalists

Rehabilitated Dolphins Released in Fla.

Florida Residents Put Up Flyers With Dolphins' Pictures in Their Neighborhoods

John Paul trading card sells for $8,100

Previous Pope's rookie card is very seldom found in mint condition

Jackson in financial crisis: witness

From building huge playground to attract children

Texas considers ban on sexy cheerleaders

Wants cheerleaders that look like Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno

US spy ordered to bring home bin Laden's head on dry ice

Unfortunately, has not fulfilled mission yet

Three Snails Thought Extinct Discovered

On Menu Of French Restaurant

Wild Pigs Killed to Save Santa Cruz Fox

California Beach Cutie Thankful

Mercury-Laden Clouds Threaten Utah

Lincoln-Filled Clouds Spotted Over Nevada

Bob Hunter, Co-Founder of Greenpeace, Dies

Bush Blamed

MIT Professor Among Heinz Award Winners

Wins Lifetime Supply Of Ketchup

NFL Takes Turn Before Congress on Steroid Use

NFL Wanted To Make Sure Congress Didn't Take All the Good Steroids For Themselves

UN Meet to Seek Safer Ways to Kill Insect Pests

UN Investigates New Invention Called "Flyswatter"

Mich. Cops Seize Secondhand Pants from Man

Claim That Michigan Cops Really, Really Need a Raise

Trial for 'Grandpa Gang' Opens in Germany

Accused of Wearing Their Pants Too High, and Playing Classical Music Too Quietly

Pope's old car smashing records on eBay

Sellers of vintage vinyl recordings upset

Portuguese gym-goers urged to drink beer

Excuse me for a minute while i purchase a one-way plane ticket to Lisbon

oh yeah! lift them 12 ounce weights! feel the burn!!!

Zonkey or deebra? Zebra's foal sired by donkey is talk of Barbados

French are waiting for decision before printing menus

British motorist injured by flying frozen sausage

Motorist says "they're called bangers for a reason"

Sober.P worm spreads

Much faster than Drunken.P worm, who is passed out in a gutter on the side of the Information Superhighway


well, i done wore out my funny for the night working on this post.

feel free to give it up for my twisted sense of humor in the comments.

see y'all tomorrow!