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Saturday, April 30, 2005

In The News

this one's for my mom. she has the URL to my site now, so here goes....

Nissan plant to be backdrop for Bush appearance

Gardening enthusiasts in Japan hope that Bush doesn't block sun from Nissan plant

Governor signals he'd welcome Minutemen on California border

Governor signals: "One!" "One!" "One!" "One!" "One!"

Pentagon Does About Face Over Soldier's Coffins

Soldiers In Coffins Upset that Pentagon Is Performing Drills in Arlington

i apologize for that last one to anybody that has lost a loved one in this or any other war.

Microsoft: The Cash Machine

So Say The Nigerian Spammers

'Hitchhiker' Steps Into Big Shoes

Gets Big Blister

Reds or Blues? It's too close to call

Gore still Pissed over losing election

Children in UK among the world's fattest

Munching Crumpets all day long is blamed for problem

Dueling talks mark end of Bush's tour

Bush doesn't want to end up like Hamilton

New tape from terrorist al-Zarqawi

Critics say it sucks as bad as last release

China May Soon Raise Value Of It's Currency

Chinese-Made Goods, However, Will Still Be Cheap And Poorly Constructed

ok, that's the headline funny for tonight.

please feel free to give up the love in the comments!

or, at the worst, an honest opinion of my laugh-producing skills. or lack thereof.

anyhoo, see y'all manana!

Where I Got My Sense Of Humor

my mom is just one or two steps above being computer-illiterate. she can email, she can look at the websites in her bookmarked folder, and that's about it.

she could do a whole lot more with her computer, if she would just try. but, she won't.

so, anyhoo, a couple of weeks ago, my little bro informed her that i had a blog. i would have told her myself, but i figured i would get the "deer-in-the-headlights" stare that i usually get whenever talking to my mother about anything technical.

like i'm an expert...i had the same look on my face when basil was walking me (with a whole lot of patience) through installing Blogrolling and a few other things he helped me i said, i'm no expert.

so, i had to explain to her that i didn't have a whole website, but a "blog", just a small piece of a much larger website. i'm too cheap (right now, anyway) to pay for a domain of my own.

she said "that's just what your little brother said you would say."

then we started talking about how the Giants won the day before, and i added that the Dodgers had also lost, and that was such a great day in this season that i had to do a post about it.

my mother, kind and gentle soul that she is, the type of person that wouldn't say "sh*t" even if she had a mouthful of it, looked me in the eyes and asked:

"moehawk, have you been flogging your blog again?"

uncontrollable laughter on both sides, for a couple of minutes at least...the only bummer about uncontrollable laughter is that it never lasts long enough...then she says "you have to use that...."

so i did. i got my warped sense of humor from my mother, and she's damn proud of it.

as am i.

now you know.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Movin' On Up....

#2876 in the TTLB ecosystem now...

thanks, everybody!

Abdullah At The Ballpark

heh! i crack myself up sometimes....and other times i'm the only one i crack up.
oh well, such is the life of a funnyguy.

in Giants news, they've won 3 in a row! haven't done that since we swept the Rockies (sorry, Babaganoosh, to remind you of that).

Tomko got a complete game, Matheny hit a homer that turned out to be the winning run, and the Giants are back at .500. not exactly the winning percentage i'd like to be typing about right now, but better than below .500.

i'm surprised by how well both the Dodgers and the Diamondbacks are doing, especially with the spring-training predictions. the season is still young, however, and great starts are not always an indicator of a great season.

hopefully, crappy starts aren't an indicator of a crappy season, or this will be a very long one for me.

moehawk, ace baseball reporter, signing out.

'till tomorrow.

btw...if you don't get the title of this post, you haven't been reading my blog enough. you read now!

Thursday, April 28, 2005


Giants' bats unload on Padres

Padres covered with bat guano

Calif. Attorney General Won't Run For Gov.

Because He Is A Girlie-Man

"Star" Fakes It for Brad, Angelina

Angelina Fakes It Just For Brad

Fat At 40? Dementia May Follow

Called "Mad Cow Disease"

Birds May Be Behind Exploding German Toads

Explains Strange Phenomena Of Toad-Gut Covered Birds

Woodpecker brought back from the dead after 61 years

New Woody cartoons expected

Liver May Be Prime Source of Good Cholesterol

Yet One More Reason Why Kids Love The Stuff

Greek island declares war on wild rabbits

General Fudd to lead Greek forces

well, that's all the funny i can come up with tonight.

see y'all tomorrow!

Will The Memes Ever End???

i recently found new fodder a good new blogger that we should do the same stuff that you did to me welcome in to the blogosphere.
so i moved this post up a bit...

phin just tagged me with the "Turd in a punchbowl" meme.

the rules seem pretty easy. one must write a 4 line poem, with the phrase "Turd in a punchbowl" as the first and third lines.

second and fourth must rhyme.

ok, here goes:

Turd in a punchbowl
It's really not too cool
Turd in a punchbowl
When you pull up a stool

well, there you have it.
i will tag...William Teach, Tom, and of course The Babaganoosh

have fun, dudes!

that is all.


some young little whippersnapper of a blogger

seems like he might like a meme or ten sent to him.


Wednesday, April 27, 2005


my highest traffic day to date...

67 hits, and still half an hour to midnight!

Today's Headlines

for all my loyal readers, this one is for you!

U.S., Brazil discuss trade, Chavez

Chavez will most likely be traded for players to be named later

Floridians free to use force

But can still be jailed for saying "I am your father" in bad Darth Vader accent

Russia to offer Abbas helicopters, armored vehicles

Swedish pop band is grounded, and vulnerable to attack

Schroeder Joins France's EU Campaign

Lucy dumps him, Snoopy bites him, Pigpen calls him a "Filthy Liberal"

hey, folks, you think it's easy to do this?

Abdullah at the Ranch

"Abdullah" translates into "Meanwhile, back"

Europe's Biggest Supercomputer Eavesdrops on Stars

Confirms Britney IS A Skank

that's the news for today. feel free to leave a comment if i made you laugh.


Baseball Stuff


thanks in part to J.T. Snow and his 4 hits. one homer short of the cycle. if you know anything about Snow, you'd know that the triple is the hardest one for him to get. you see, he can't run very fast.

but, he makes up for the slow running with the multiple gold-glove winning defensive ability that he has. his feet might not move fast while he's running, but they are lightning-quick to get him to a ball hit anywhere near him, and seem to be able to grow as long as he needs them to be to still be in contact with the base when the runner tries to cross it....

Giants fans love J.T. Snow. ever since his first game in a SF uni, he has demonstrated the famed D that won him all his gold gloves. many a Giants fan that i have talked to, when the team is not doing very well, are all about trading him for a first baseman that has more power at the plate, but can't bear the thought of letting his mastery of his position go to another team.

while he might not be the best batter on the team, when he has an offensive night like tonight, all his batting woes are forgiven, and we appreciate his glove that much more.

/ baseball rant.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005


i'm now an adorable little rodent in the TTLB ecosystem....Darwin would be shocked at how fast i'm evolving...

thanks again, folks!

Monday, April 25, 2005

ACK! (More Baseball Stuff)

two in a row lost by the Giants with the tying run at the plate....

if this keeps up i might be rooting for them for the same reason that i did in '96...just so they won't lose 100.

oh well, they're my team, so i gotta root. and root i will.

oh yeah...


that was the baseball post for the day. please come back tomorrow for more SF baseball news.

The News

well, i must say that it was a lot of fun doing headlines for basil while he was away on his weekend trip. i imagine my stuff was read by more people on those two days than the whole time i've been posting my funny on this little spot.

but, i have to say..."whew! the pressure is off now!"

so, loyal readers, here is The News.

New Pope Stresses Bonds at Installation

Barry Smashes Television, Blames Media for Stress

Putin bangs drum for Russia's civilising mission

Is looking for bass player

Iraqis Try To Form Cabinet

End Up With Coffee Table

Pope Is Forgetful, Elder Brother Says

Elder Brother Doesn't Remember Saying That

George Lucas Plans Star Wars TV Projects

Will Continue To Milk Cash Cow As Long As Possible

Big question in Wendy's case: Where did finger come from?

Hand is the most logical answer

Liberals pledge millions to help immigrants

Canada's Liberal government to help U.S. Democrats

Springsteen still has 'Devil' inside

Exorcism planned

Opera CEO To Swim the Atlantic

Is thrown overboard by Opera employees

Tammy Faye lost famed lashes to cancer

Years after losing famed husband to prison

Microsoft previews next Windows OS

Considers switching to Linux

Congressional Democrats unveil their vision

Seeing the real world for first time, most become Republicans

hope you enjoyed it as much as i enjoyed scouring the news sites looking for fodder for my warped sense of humor.

and yours.

thats all for now!

YAY! 1,000 hits!

i just checked my site meter, and as of 7:22 pm, April 25, i am officially in the 1,000 hit club!


thanks, everyone!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Baseball News


yes, i am happy.

that's all for now.

if you are starving for funny headlines, this might ease your cravings. but just for a little while.

Saturday, April 23, 2005


when i created this tiny little excuse for a blog,about 1 month and 1 week ago, the TTLB Ecosystem was broken. i couldn't add my blog to it, so therefore i had no idea of how many others liked my stuff.

when the Ecosystem got back on line and was able to accept new blogs, i was ready to accept my status as a insignificant microbe, or at best a multicellural microorganism, and was pleasantly surprised to be a Crawly Amphibian, and then the next day i was a Slithering Reptile.

as of this hour, i am a Flappy Bird. i'm movin' on up. to the top. to a deluxe apartment in the sky. or should that read "sky-y-y-y"? been a while since i've seen "The Jeffersons"..

even though the Giants lost, the Dodgers did too.

so being a Flappy Bird ain't too bad, if you're here in CA.

'k. i'm done rambling, but before i head to bed, i'd like to thank all my loyal readers and supporters, and everyone that knows more than i do about computers and have helped me get to where i am.

you don't even know what you have unleashed upon the world...heh.

Stupid Thing I Did

that i usually only mention when i'm drunk.

phin tagged me with this one, and he answered mine, so i guess i have to answer his.

it has nothing to do with alcohol, but i usually don't talk about stupid stuff i've done unless i'm drunk.

so, one day, about 15 years ago, when i was still young and reckless, i had a motorcycle. nice bike, a '82 Yamaha Maxim 750, inline 4 with shaft drive, customized before i bought it for a good price.

Vetter fairing, already set up to put a stereo in. custom seat, driver's seat with elevated passenger seat and a backrest for the passenger.

put a stereo in, was a great bike to ride.

oh also had a Cruise Control. not high-tech, just a little wedge-like device that would stop the throttle wherever it was when the wedge-thingie was snapped into place. and when it was in place, the bike was heavy and stable enough that you could take your hands off the grips and lean back with arms crossed over your chest and just ride, let your body weight control the curves in the road.

no helmet laws here in CA in those days....

oh yeah... the stupid story meme...i was getting lost in the Good Old Days....

so one day, i was riding home from Santa Rosa, CA after i got done visiting friends that lived there. it was a fine day to ride, and Highway 101 has a lot of nice straight stretches on it. on one of those straight parts of the road, i put the cruise control on, and high on youth, the thrill of danger from being up on two wheels, and the feeling of invulnerabilty that comes with youth, i decided to ride on the bitch seat. i stood up on the pegs, shifted my center of gravity slowly backwards, sat on the back seat, then lifted my feet from the driving pegs to the passenger pegs.

i rode that way for almost two miles, sitting on the passenger seat with nobody driving the bike, flying down 101 at 65 MPH, waving at cars and other motorcyclists that were in the oncoming lane. got more than one surprised look, and a group of Harley riders gave me a thumbs-up as i passed them.

then, i thought to myself, WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING? the high of youth gave way to sensibility, and i carefully slid back down to the driver's seat.

never tried that again, but i have bragging rights for having been that stupid.

Dude, I Feel So Like I'm Cool!

and for good reason. basil asked me to guest-blog on his site while he's away on the trip his wife planned.

unknown destination, unknown length...i think she might be planning revenge for the chicken comments, if you know what i mean. basil might never come back...

hope she doesn't read this blog......

unfortunatly, i am too busy to help out, since i'm in the process of trying to answer phin's meme about stupid stories.

the good news is, i have a few spare personalities lying around, not doing much to make themselves useful. i'll send one over there to take care of the headlines.

he should be up to the challenge, but he's not as funny as me. after all, i wouldn't want to out-funny my blog-dad, at least not until i'm done learning all this confusing computer stuff from him.

i'm sure that the sisters (5'4", 5'6", and 6'0") can take care of the Catfish business, phin can do the political stuff, and anyone else that stops by to hang in basil's pad can take care of the rest.

well, back to trying to write the stupid story.

that is all.

Friday, April 22, 2005

YAY! News!

Pumped-up food pyramid

Now includes "flaxseed oil"

Theorists dazzled by 'perfect' liquid

Sit for hours at bar contemplating single-malt Scotch

Out of this world: belt of asteroids circles a sun

Sun asks: "Does this asteroid belt make my butt look big?"

Japan PM Apologizes for WWII Aggression

Says "Sorry We Brutally Murdered, Raped and Tortured Your Grandparents, Now Let's Be Friends!"

Pope gets right to work

Praying hard that he lives longer than John Paul I

Muslims sue US homeland security over border detentions

Included in damages that they seek are lost payoff for their families, cost and labor for building their bombs, and a whole bunch of virgins that they missed out on when they were stopped.

ooooh, yes, that was bad.

but you know my policy on bad headlines.

Missing the sunshine

Title of Michael Jackson's future book

Spain approves gay marriage bill

One third of San Francisco's population signs up for Spanish language courses, applies for passports

Hubris And Spit In Jane Fonda's Face

Hubris Chewing Tobacco Co. To Pay For Vietnam Veteran's Legal Bills

all right, enough for now.

let me know if you laughed!


Baseball Is Starting To Be A Little More Fun...

hey, baseball fans. sorry if i've been a little lax about the daily Giants posts. just seems sometimes when i get home from work, go to the Official Giants Website only to read about another disappointing loss, makes writing something other than a whiny post full of what my team should have done not seem very appealing.

after all, i didn't start blogging because i like to whine, just as much as any of you visit blogs to read somebody's whinings and moanings about how they could do things so much better if they were in charge.

i'm in it for the funny, and occasionally to show off some of my photography. which has been a little dry lately, boring sunsets on my nights off, etc., but that's not the focus of this post. the focus is,


and in other baseball news,


i know that tomorrow is a whole new day for baseball, and anything can happen. just let me enjoy my Giants high for now.



that is all.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


Premier steps down from Italy's Cabinet

Italy provided stepladder

Give Pope a chance, opponents urge

Lennon's ghost is pissed over the change in his slogan

Bolton charges 'trumped up' Bush aide says

The Donald denies involvement

Feds target drug scam on Web; 20 arrested

Most were found to be in possesion of c1@lis or v14gra

Microsoft to support Linux

Gates tells Torvalds...."Trust Me"

Ford hauls in $1.2 billion

Now them trucks is strong! I wants me one!

Mystery of Unpopped Popcorn Is Discovered

Thanks To Those Meddling Kids, and that damn talking dog....

LeBron's Super Season Ends On Downer

Today, LeBron Realizes He Never Should Have Taken Barbituates Before Game

Couple Crack Code

But I Don't Care

oooh...that last one was bad! but as usual, i won't take it back!

thanks for reading my stuff, and have a great day.

if you're phin, The Babaganoosh, or sortapundit, scroll down a bit to find the rules for the meme i tagged you with.

that is all.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


i'm number 1 for "Johnny Cochran casket pic" on Yahoo search....

go figure.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

I've Been Tagged!

The Thong Pirate has tagged me with the "If I Could Be..." meme.

basil tried to do the same, but was just wasn't fast enough. busy watching the Catfish, i bet.

anyhoo, here goes...

If I could be an athlete, i'd make tons of money and not take steroids. unless i was getting old and losing my edge....

If I could be a scientist, i would invent the cure for everything, and sell it to the highest bidder, and make a ton of money....

If I could be a musician, i'd make a ton of money and then drink and drug myself into incoherency, thus guaranteeing that MTV would put me in my own reality show.

If I could be a professor, i'd teach the college students that it is wrong to be a smelly hippie, French or otherwise anti-American. not much money in it, but otherwise satisfying.

If I could be a librarian, i'd occasionally yell as loud as i could just to make people jump. heh.

So here's how it works. Immediately following there is a list of 19 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them (feel free to select more). You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.

For example, if the selected occupation was "pirate" you might take the phrase "If I could be a pirate..." and add to it "I would sail the 7 Seas, dating lasses from around the worlde." See how easy that is? Here's the list:

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...

so, who will the next victims be?

we'll have to wait a day or so to find out, because my little town is about to experience an 8 hour blackout starting in a few minutes, while the electric company does some work on the local substation.

that's all for now. must find candles and *shudders* a radio.....


i have tagged phin, The Babaganoosh, and sortapundit.

let's see what they have to say.

that is all.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Headlines Yet Again!

Hyde Will Retire From Congress

Jekyll will serve out rest of term

More Children Than Ever Going To School Worldwide

Truant Officers Being "Downsized"

Photoshop and Flash: Potent Combo

DC's Fast Superhero Gets New Sidekick

New All-Ham Crew Now Safely Aboard ISS

Hang Sign On ISS That Says "No Jews Allowed"

sorry, that was bad. but i won't take it back. so there.

Food Pyramid Is Changing

Bottom Of Food Pyramid Is Getting Wider

Sharon: A Master of re-invention

She Turned Ozzy From a Has-Been into a drunken, drugged out media hero

Iraqis call for Hussein's death

As do the rest of the world's citizens

Pilgrims watch, wait for smoke sign today

Smoke sign will let them know when the Indians will attack

well, folks, that was the funny for this night.

see you tomorrow.

Ummm....Calling All Geeks...

i need a little help.

I am trying to turn my old computer into a Linux machine, and am having a little problem. you see, i can't get it to access the internet.

i'm using Mandrake 10.1, and when it does it's start-up thing, everything but interface eth0 is ok, but interface eth0 always fails. even when i tried to change it to eth1.

i tried changing the ethernet card from the previous slot to a new one, tried using dial-up, can't even find how to access dial-up on 10.1.

if anyone has knowledge of this problem, or knows of a better distribution of Linux, like easier for newbies to make work, please let me know in the comments.

thanks, geeks!

New News

What 115 Men Are Thinking

Where to find 115 Loose Women

Philips sinks on weak results

Standard screws happy, remain strong

Gordon Moore Looks Back--And Forward

Injures Neck While Doing So

John Paul II Laid Groundwork for Pope in His Image

John Paul II Recently Laid Into Ground

Providence detective meets his end with own gun

Shoots self in [pinkytoe]

Detroit's Kilpatrick made Time's worst-mayor list

Time says his ratings would have been higher if he was caught smoking crack

that's all the funny i can come up with tonight.

see you all tomorrow!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

More News

Cricket Diplomacy Aims to Push India-Pakistan Peace

Jiminy Positive That He Can End Strife Between Nations

Italian Scientists Claim to Clone Horse

French Scientists Want to Eat Cloned Horse

McDonalds Celebrates 50 Years

Of Making Children Obese

Execution by Lethal Injection Is Not Humane Or Painless

Like, What The Executee Did To Be Sentenced To Lethal Injection WAS?

WHO Update: 90% H2N2 Influenza Virus Destroyed

Other 10%...Coming Soon to a Theater Near You! Or a Baseball Game, a Concert, a NASCAR Event or Anywhere Lots of People Get Together...

i'll stop now, just because i'm tired.

must get to bed.

goodnight, y'all.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Daily Baseball Post

tonight, out of respect for The Babaganoosh, i will not post a recap of tonight's Giants game.

i don't want to make a grown man cry any more than he has already.

In The News....Once Again

thanks to everybody that likes my headlines!

you keep encouraging me, so i keep doing 'em!

India, Pakistan to discuss Kashmir

India likes Led Zeppelin song, Pakistan doesn't

NASA tests tank on space shuttle

Tank shoots down unarmed space shuttle

Cheney's bucks bigger than Bush's

President vows to never again go deer-hunting with Vice-President

Stumbling toward peace

Hippies go to yet another anti-war rally

DCF found no signs Terri Schaivo abused

Other than the signs of starvation and dehydration

Bird-like eggs found in dinosaur fossil

Could answer the "which came first" question,or, Dinosaurs wish they had bacon to go with the eggs

Internet2 hot

Internet replies "no, u r 2 hot"

Analysis: What If France votes 'no'

Who Cares? We'll Git 'er' Done without them damn Frogs

Cormier regrets plunking Nats' Castilla

Nat is still sore from having his Castilla plunked

Marburg Virus Update

and i thought that Mydoom was bad....

well, that's all for now.

please keep up the love in the comments!


Friday, April 15, 2005

Even More In The News....

Rudolph Pleads Guilty in Olympic Bombing

All Of the Other Reindeer Shocked

Implant ruling may open doors

To boobie bars

Tiger Spotlight

A Little More Dangerous Than Spotlighting Deer

The tax on honesty

Democrats will tax anything that they don't believe in

Schilling delivers hope and doubt

Folks in Crumpet Muncher's country unsure of their monetary system (yes, sortapundit, i know the proper spelling of your money. but who cares?)

US lethal injection "is not humane"

Boo friggin' Hoo. If you did something that was bad enough to get the Death Penalty, you don't deserve a humane death

ok, time to stop.

let know if you like my stuff!

or, if you didn't.

all i ask is that you keep the comments intelligent and clean.


that is all.

Good News!


they had the night off.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

More In The News

Apple to release "Tiger" Mac OS April 29

Will eat "Longhorn" if IT is ever released

Spam on the Side?

"But I don't like Spam!"

Security Patches Everywhere

Especially Backstage At A Dixie Chicks Concert In Jesusland

Mike Tyson Back? Duck and Cover

Your Ears

The Continental Dream: Will The French Shatter It?

No, They Will Run From It

What's a Whale Doing in Trenton? Well, Not the Backstroke

If It's in New Jersey, It's Probably Trying to Beach Itself

Deadly Flu Strain Shipped Worldwide

Captain Trips Makes It's Debut

Bush's U.N. nominee called a "bully"

By weak, whiny, sissy Democrats that he gave Wedgies to while in high-school

Clinton lashes out at gay Republican

Wears leather teddy and high-heeled boots while administering the lashing

Gene Project Aims to Trace Human Migration

Paul and Ace Lend Support, Peter Still Silent

Public To Be Given Access To Pope's Tomb

Update: Pope's Body Parts Now Available For Purchase On eBay

Maurice R. Hilleman Dies; Created Vaccines

Obviously, Not The Right One

i'll stop now.

i hope you laughed, and if you did, let me know in the comments.

if you didn't, bugger off. but still let me know in the comments!


and, that is all.

For Dumb People...

for anyone who can't figure it out on their own,

here's your sign.

our tax dollars at work....saving idiots.


ah, yes, baseball is truly here. the long months of eager anticipation, just waiting for the season to start so my team can once again make me want to puke.

funny, it usually doesn't happen until late September/early October.....

in case you didn't watch the game, the Giants blew a 8-5 lead badly. Armando Benitez, the new closing pitcher, looked like he had never seen a baseball before in his life. granted, he pitched better than i could have, but that's not saying much. and, i think that Ellison, brought in as a pinch runner for Feliz, and stayed on in left field, probably will not get much sleep tonight.

and what's up with Ledee? he couldn't hit to save his life in a Giants uniform, but put a Dodgers hat on the guy.....GRRRRR!

the beauty of baseball is, there's another chance to beat 'em tomorrow

that is all. i must vomit now.

Monday, April 11, 2005

In The News....The Sequel

Cookie Monster caves

Elmo is now Don of Sesame Street

Good Looks May Mean Better Pay

Especially If You Are A Prostitute

Pandas at San Diego Zoo Successfully Mate

Male Panda Found Enzyte Website, Female Panda Couldn't Be Happier

A Late Bailout For Rover

Fido Not So Lucky, Was Gassed

Survey: Gas Prices Soaring

Gee, Thanks, Survey! I'd Have Never Noticed If You Hadn't Pointed It Out

well, it was a slow news day, at least for finding good material.

please check back tomorrow! i'll do my best to scour the headlines for more funny stuff.

that's all, folks!

Three In A Row!

Image Hosted by

sorry, Babaganoosh, but i just had to do it!

anyhoo, the Giants were ahead 3-0 when i had to go to work at the end of the fourth. i was encouraged, but as any Giants fan knows, they have a way of blowing much bigger leads than that. i tried to listen to it on the radio at work, but in between bad radio reception (the FM station that carries the Giants games in my little town is very underpowered, and my workplace is not very good for radio reception in general) and lots of stuff to keep me busy and away from the radio, i missed the rest of the game.

i was thrilled to get home and find, via the Official Website, that they had not only swept the Rockies, but had done so in a very convincing way.

like, 11-4.

now that the Giants have a little momentum going, i'm a bit more confident about the upcoming road trip, and hoping for a little payback against LA.

i'm sure that the Thong Pirate will be a little nervous around 1:00PM Pacific time on Tuesday...


well, that's all the baseball talk for now.


ok, that was all.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Grand Slam!

yes, the exclamation point means that the Giants won again.

two in a row...season's best streak (so far)!

sorry, Babaganoosh, but there's 17 more to go.

anyway, a little recap...boring game, until after i had to go to work during the top of the fourth.. i got home, turned on the 'puter, clicked on the Giants' site, and learned that Michael Tucker launched not only a Grand Slam, but also a Splash Hit...that's a respectable distance, for those who don't know a lot about the Giants' home field. not just a first-row, fielder could have caught it kind of homer. the Giants went on to win the game, 4-2.


Tucker under investigation for steroid use...

that was the day in baseball for me.

see all you baseball fans tomorrow

Saturday, April 09, 2005

In The News...

E-mail Spammer jailed for 9 years

Judge forgot to put the 90 in front of that 9

Survey Says: No Yakking On Planes

Barf Bags To Be Removed From All Domestic Flights

Springsteen Plans Intimate Solo Tour

Will Cover Divinyls' Song "I Touch Myself"

Theft exposes data of medical patients

Hospital gowns expose butts of medical patients

Bill Clinton remembers Pope John Paul II

"He told me I was going straight to Hell"

Live Leech Hid In Woman's Sinus

Woman Still Unsure How Hippie Entered Her Nose

Drew Barrymore Scores in "Fever Pitch"

Also Scored While Filming Many Other Movies

well, that's all for now.

hope you enjoyed it, and if you did, let me know in the comments.

if you didn't, please act like you did and let me know in the comments!

that is all.

Giants Win!

but, as only the Giants can, they blew a 6-0 lead before coming back to win it in the 9th....

oh well, the drama just makes the win least that's what i keep telling myself....


oh yeah!...


Friday, April 08, 2005

More Headline Funny



Schwartzenegger backs down

Says...."I Shall Return"

Fly brains manipulated by remote control

Made to say things like "Bush stole the election!" and "No Blood For Oil!"

Against Camilla: Why should she get to be queen?

Tens of thousands of gay men believe that they are more qualified

I saw Jacko abusing Jordy

But I kept quiet till Jacko couldn't afford to pay the hush money anymore

Qwest looks to sweeten pot again

Unfortunately, once again, most stoners prefer non-sweetened pot

Silicone breast implants may rupture: US FDA

Especially when squeezed by a rowdy boobie-bar patron yelling "HONK! HONK!"

Silicon Insider: The Persistance Of Memory

I Just Can't Stop Thinking About How Big Her Boobies Were!

Experts: Fossil Apparantly Human Ancestor

Ted Kennedy's DNA test results made public

Roach Spray Explodes, Blows Up Eatery

Bush Blamed, Roaches Declare Jihad

ok, i feel a little better now. humor can't quite make up for your team losing to the Dodgers, but it sure helps.

that's all for now!

Thursday, April 07, 2005


ok, Dodgers Fan, you won the first series.

159 more games to go....

i hope that this trend doesn't continue.


Bummer Cure....Funny Headlines!

Crack delays Discovery's rollout to the launch pad

Tractor driver pulls his pants up, resumes rollout

Crude Oil Little Changed After Falling On U.S. Inventory Gain

U.S. Inventory Gain Suffers Mild Injuries

Things looking up down below?

Viagra works

FDA to Reconsider Breast Implant Ban

Top Of Pro-Implant List: Bigger Boobies

Rainier dies after 56 years on throne

Finally succumbs to bad case of diarrhea

Sony suggests beaming visions into brain

Liberals suggest wearing aluminum-foil hats

well, that's all for now.



rainy day, Giants lost badly, what more do i need to say?

at least i didn't have to watch it, i was at work.

oh yeah... that's a bummer too!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

This Really Gets Me...

now, don't get me wrong, i like living here in N. CA, but one of the disadvantages is this.

and this is one of the cheapest places in town!

i don't know what the rest of the country is paying, but feel free to let me know in the comments, just so i can feel even more screwed.


more baseball soon!

Great Day!

today was great.

the sun was out, and the weather was beautiful, really nice after days of rain and haze and fog.

haze and fog is our usual summer weather. we get one or two nice days per week, then lots of fog. thick stuff, too. tourists from inland love it, especially when it's about 100+ degrees wherever it is that they come from.

well, if you weren't near a television set today, the Giants won their home opener against the hated Dodgers. things didn't look very promising when Jason Schmidt gave up a big homer in his first two or three pitches, but all was well in the end.

unless you're a Dodgers fan.

who needs "arthritis cream" or "flaxseed oil" when i have my Jose Valentin voodoo doll?

bet the Dodgers wish they still had Beltre.

well, that's it for now, and look forward to more Giants posts!

Monday, April 04, 2005

Headline Time Again

Teens say oral sex not really sex

Teens believe Bill Clinton's perception of sex

Google to gather personal video clips

Will start with Paris Hilton and Pamala Anderson video clips

When parents and teens clash over religion

Parent: Time to go to church!
Teen: I can't go to church! My Sunday pants actually cover my [pinkytoe]!

Caught On Tape: Pond Skimming

Unfortunately, not enough people gave Sortapundit money, so we'll never see it

Selecting The Next Pope

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe

'Minutemen' Volunteer to Watch U.S. Border

'One if by land, Two if by sea' system scrapped in favor of cell phones

38 minor-leaguers violate MLB's drug policy

Wanted to be just like Major Leaguers

Bill Would Let Patients Pick Nurse Gender

Clinton Still Upset Over Hilary's Orders To Only Let Male Nurses Near Him

Government sex Web site promotes abstinence

Does not practice what it preaches

Vegetarians on Raw-Food Diets Have Low Bone Mass

Also Have Low Brain Mass

Are Girl Scouts Pushing Junk Food?

Yes. I'll Take Ten Boxes Of Thin Mints, Please!

You Don't Care Enough About Your Hearing, Study Shows


Ancient Mayans mass produced salt

Needed it to make human sacrifices taste better

Mourners file past pope's body

Filings expected to be auctioned on eBay

once again, i'll stop before i offend anyone. especially myself.

that's all for now!

More Headline Funny...I Hope!

Star Power Dimmed

Bush Blamed

Camera catches airport bomber

Camera's owner is surprised, but thankful

Their love has lasted, so let's wish them well

Something tells me we aren't talking about the Clintons

Cranberries May Help Keep Arteries Clear

Irish Band's CD Sales Skyrocket

Post-Prison, Martha Stewart Openes Up

In A Different Way Than While She Was Incarcerated (sorry, big and mean, that was gross, vulgar and un-called for nastyness...please close your eyes and skip to the next headline...)

Peanuts shed fat stigma, stage comeback

Charlie Brown and Schroeder talk about obesity issues and plan speaking tour, Lucy and Pigpen still silent

Oil Platforms May Be Used For Fish Farms

Tonight's Special Is Sea Bass In Kerosene Sauce...

ok, folks...i'm done!

you can resume your regular blog-reading now.

that is all.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Baseball Is Almost Here!

and i can't wait! the Giants are looking strong, even without their number 1 powerhitter, and i have a good feeling about this season.

but then again, i always have a good feeling about every season.

i really, really like baseball. this last off season has been worse than usual, since i normally have the Niners to fall back on for sports entertainment, but if you followed last football season at all, you'd know what i mean.

i just feel sorry for Arizona. imagine being the only team in the league that lost to the 49ers. twice.

enough about football. it's a secondary sport in my opinion. baseball is, after all, America's sport (and please, no wisecracks about it being nothing but modified cricket and that basketball was the only sport invented here in America).

baseball is ok on TV, actually a bit better on the radio, if the color guy is funny, but nothing beats sitting in one of those cramped little stadium seats, trying to balance a 6 dollar hot dog, a 7 dollar beer, and keeping the glove on in case a foul ball comes flying at your head.

now, that's baseball.

i'm still waiting for an email from my uncle, who buys season tickets every year, letting me know which games are available. he'd be my favorite uncle, except for the little fact that he's a Democrat. and a lawyer....but he buys season tickets, so that almost makes up for his shortcomings.

so i'll buy the tickets, and then go to the games with my Republican uncle. or my little bro...

i've been to at least two games every season since Pac BellSBC park opened, and i have yet to see a loss when my little bro and i go to a game. hmmm....maybe i should write to the Giants' front office and mention that, and try to work them for season tickets for the two of us, plus a nice salary to be the official good luck charm. baseball people are mighty superstitious, maybe they'd go for it!

probably not.

i'll be glued to my TV set on Tuesday, and expect more Giants blog posts in the near future. i hope that they're full of crowing, and not whining.

that's all for now!

Headlines! Get Your Headlines!

Microsoft filed lawsuits against phishers

Fans of the band "phish" too stoned to notice

Comedians lighten mood at Jackson trial

Make touching boy's genitals almost seem funny

Your guide to an unusual solar eclipse

View it naked. In public.

Alzheimer's drug to carry new warning label

But will patients remember to read it?

Plan To Shoot Wild Cats Hissed

Plan To Shoot Wild Dogs Arfed

Hans Christian Anderson Turns 200

Dick Clark Wants Secret To Freakishly Long Life

Addicted To Food?

Well, Yes. I Don't Think That Life Would Be Sustainable Without It...but i'm just a food-junkie, don't listen to me.

Modern Day Willy Wonkas

Should Not Be Allowed Around Children

Pet Lovers Finding Love Online

And I Thought People That Visited My Site For Veggie Porn Were Sick....

Error Puts Strippers on Public Access TV

Error?!? I Spent WAY Too Much Time on That Hack To Be Written Off As An Error!!!!

Energized Clinton Gets AIDS Award

Drug-Using Horndog Former President Clinton Glad He Is Not AIDS Recipient

i think i should end this post before i become a mean and insulting blogger.

for more polite and funny headlines, go here

thanks for stopping by my site!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Sorry, Folks

i'm just too tired to come up with anything funny, or even semi-witty. work has been hell the last few days, with Abalone Season opening, and a bunch of cities that use my little town as a vacation destination are experiencing Spring Break.

more tourists than you can shake a stick at. or hit with a stick.

most are nice people willing to spend some money to get out of whatever city it is that they live in, but some deserve to be hit with a stick.

a big stick.

hope to be back in the blogging mood soon, probably tomorrow, maybe not until Monday (day off! WOO-HOO!) but definitely season opens for my Giants on April 5th.

against the Dodgers, in S.F... should be fun!

i love baseball!

that is all that this weary mind can come up with.



for any of you that clicked the link to find out what an abalone actually is, here's a site that has a few ideas for what to do after you catch the slippery little bastages.

once again, thanks for visiting.

Friday, April 01, 2005


Aspirin as good as Warfarin at reducing stroke risk

D-con stocks fall, Bayer rises

Casanova actor seduces the Doctor Who casting agent

Even Hollywood is Backwards these days....

Google takes a big step to expand offerings

For example, now offers two sortapundits

Unfazed Sharapova pulls a rabbit out of her hat

Dumps out rabbit poo, puts hat back on

Former Secretary of State Kissenger undergoes heart procedure

Installation of Heart is Successful

People Pollution is wearing out Earth, study says

Let's recycle the Hippies first, then the rest of the Liberals

Fitter,Well -Rested Clinton Receives Humanitarian Award

Ordered Cheeseburgers And A Cranked-Out Hooker, Was Disappointed

Canada, EU to retaliate against U.S. duties

bring it on.

China Reaches Out to Taiwanese Opposition Party

With A Stick. And We Know Which End Has the Poo On It

In fear, they cast their votes

Kerry lost. get over it.

N.Korea Wants Explicit U.S. Apology Before Talks

One Explicit Apology Has Just Been Launched...more headline funny to come!

thanks for putting up with me!

that is all.